Body Over Mind

Dana: The 8 Year Old Anorexic

Has anyone seen this video? If you haven't, please do. The link is here:Dana: The 8-Year Old Anorexic

Open up your eyes to today's world. Children of increasingly younger ages, even some at 6, are being diagnosed and sent inpatient for Anorexia or some other eating disorder. I find this incredibly sad, but true. And once again I ask myself: Why must we become so influenced by everything we see/hear? Why must we endanger ourselves and allow this demon to enter us, possess us and screw us up completely? One point that was strongly emphasised in this video was that "Anyone can be eating normally, eating what they have to and seem fine. But just because they are eating, does not mean that voice isn't in their head anymore. It does not mean they have recovered mentally." In the end, having an eating disorder does not only encompass restricting whatever you eat or binging every day. It does not only involve food. At the end of the day, it's about whether that voice still has a place in your mind, whether she still causes you to doubt, think twice, argue with yourself. The definition of recovered is still far from my reach........


What triggered me to write this post was one experience mentioned in this video. Dana's mother said in an interview: "One day, Dana came to my room. She said, "I can't mum, I can't anymore. I'm so tired, I can't exercise anymore." "Then stop, Dana! You don't have to exercise anymore." "No mum, I can't." "Of course you can, what do you mean you can't? Just stop!" "I can't ma, the voice says no. THE VOICE WON'T LET ME."

My heart broke. She was only 8, and she had to go through all this? At 8, I was eating like a pig, eating anything I wanted, without a care in the world. Only playing with my friends, enjoying my childhood. She was only 8, and she had to deal the full blow of the constant war of ana in her head. She wasn't even able to stop her compulsive exercising.

Somehow, I can relate. I love to exercise, I will do it anywhere, anytime. Yet, despite being banned from all physical activity in my earlier stages, I was never able to fully stop. Sure, I could handle not bowling for a couple of days. But I still forced myself up every morning, got in an hour of exercise, before I felt I could eat something. And this habit is still evident, even now. Is this a sign of ED? I'm quite sure it is, and yet it is something I don't want to give up. I can handle not exercising throughout the day, but I don't want to give up that 1 hour of workout in the morning. That's where the problem comes in. On certain days, either due to a lack of sleep or simply tiredness, I'll find myself tired while exercising, and feel tempted to stop. On some occasions, my legs will ache when I run, but I tell myself not to stop. My knees may hurt when I climb the 4 flights of stairs to my room at school, yet I refuse to take the lift. I may feel like just having a sleep in on a weekend, and yet I force myself to wake up and do some sort of stretching, yoga at least. Of course, I must say that my compulsiveness to exercise has decreased a lot as compared to before. Now, I will listen more to my body and sometimes stop when I really can't handle it. I've been working on my bad habit: Standing throughout my classes because the voice tells me to. Now, when I'm too tired, I'll just give up and sit. I've been working on stopping my leg jiggling and shaking my legs, and there's been a slight improvement. These small things that ED manages to control, I will conquer them. Eventually. I hate the fact that I still think my meals have to be 'earned', especially for breakfast. In so many ways, I can relate to Dana- I'm so tired. But I can't stop. I don't want to stop. And the worst thing is, sometimes I can't tell if it's ED telling me not to stop, or whether I really don't want to give up. It sucks most when you can't differentiate whether it's your real voice, or ED.

I'm currently having a lot of difficulty coping with bad body image.

Tell me: how can anyone be so fat and be diagnosed as an anorexic? How can anyone say I look skinny? Yes, that's the thinking of most people with anorexia. "I'm not thin enough to be anorexic." "I'm not skinny." I know that these thoughts are wrong, and yet I can't push them aside. I can't ignore them. I only find myself agreeing. When I look at these pictures, I just see a perfectly fat person, yes maybe arms a little too bony, but my stomach area is simply big and fat. "I don't have the right to call myself skinny." is what goes through my mind every time I look in the mirror. Having to see a whale/pig/fatty each time I look at my reflection, is demoralizing and disgusting. I have so much difficulty trying to ignore these thoughts, it's almost impossible. I'm barely coping, but I'm just trusting that things will get better. I always wonder: What does everyone else see when they look at me? Looking at these photos, what do people think? Don't they just agree that I'm fat? Most likely. I'm so big compared to others! But now, I know that having an eating disorder doesn't have to mean that you're skinny. I'm trying to accept the fact that my mentality is what classifies me an anorexic. 

I really wonder where my confidence and positivity from a few weeks ago went to. It seems to have taken a holiday, and now I'm left to tackle all my problems myself. Friends? Family? Doctors? I scoff. In the end, I am the only one who is able to fight with the demon in my head. Others may make it easier, but it will always be me versus ED. No one else can get into my head, no one else can hear the battles I have. No one can read my mind, no one can feel what I feel. That's why I have to be strong. For myself. For family, for happiness, for my future. FOR ME, MYSELF AND I ONLY. I must get back on my feet. I gotta wake up, refocus myself. And right now, I really hope I'll be able to do it. Sending out my wishes to everyone, be happy, be strong, be free.