When friends turn to foe

"Monkey see, monkey do."

How I wish this statement could be applied to me now. My best friend is currently on a diet. She's really serious about it- she works out twice a day, everyday, attends bowling training, and the biggest factor? Diet food. She has a salad for ALL 3 meals and her snacks consist of mainly fruits and almonds. I can't even begin to explain how big of a trigger this is. I eat my meals with her daily, and just by watching what she eats, I am engulfed by terror, guilt and unhappiness.

The Art of Self Control

Binge: (a)A period of unrestrained, immoderate self-indulgence, or (b)A period of excessive or uncontrolled indulgence in food or drink.

Cashews, Almonds and Roasted Black Beans

The photo above is from Thursday, 28th March 2013. It was just a while after lunch, but my stomach was beginning to feel empty again. I had been craving for nuts the entire week, and the thought of these nuts sitting in my pantry just made my mouth water and back of my throat scratchy and achy for the taste of crunchy, salty munchies. I took out these 3 containers and scooped a handful from each one, and told myself to just eat that portion first. It was gone in about 3 minutes.

That's when it started.

Empathy

My instagram account that is dedicated to motivate my recovery, as well as to look for inspirations, has recently been backfiring on me.

Relapsing. Negativity. Pro ana. Thinspo.

"I'm so fat. I don't deserve to eat."
"I don't want to recover."
"This much is enough for me, I don't need more."
"I can't do this."

Flashback and Reasons To Recover

My Disordered World.

December 2012

March 2013

In November 2012, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder- Anorexia. I remember that day clearly- I walked into the doctor's clinic confidently, assuming all I was doing was taking a blood test that would prove that I was healthy despite having been told I'd been looking too skinny for the past few weeks. I was deceived into the appointment; my confidence began to falter as the doctor interrogated me thoroughly about my eating habits, thoughts, mindset, and took my weight. I answered everything honestly, assuming I wasn't going to get into trouble. I remember the doctor setting down his pen, compiling the notes he had been busy scribbling in my folder, looking straight into my eyes and say: "I'm sad to tell you this. But you have an eating disorder. It's anorexia." 

Cows, Recovery and Me

Well Hello There.

how cute can cows get <3

I have a crazy, crazy obsession with cows. I can't even begin to describe it. They are the most lovable creatures on earth and I simply love them to the moon and back <3 

I'm beginning this blog on a whim; it's for me to ramble, rant, laugh, cry, whatever. I'm a person who does better word vomiting than telling it to someone else. I'm 16, supposedly having a ball of a time in the midst of my 10-year compulsory education here in Singapore. Oh believe me, I'm enjoying myself with all the company in school. But here's the drawback- Amidst all the laughter, joy and stress, I'm also a recovering anorexic-or at least that's what I was diagnosed with. I've been in recovery for a good 3, nearing 4 months now. With the creation of this blog, other than allowing myself to share my thoughts and voicing out my frustrations, I wonder if I will be able to meet more people who can relate to me, or are experiencing the same as I am? Perhaps, I will be able to help others in recovery as well? If anyone reads my blog, please accept my utmost gratitude and thanks, for taking your time to read my verbal spam. This is barely the introduction-actual word vomit to come! 

viv xx