Empathy

My instagram account that is dedicated to motivate my recovery, as well as to look for inspirations, has recently been backfiring on me.

Relapsing. Negativity. Pro ana. Thinspo.

"I'm so fat. I don't deserve to eat."
"I don't want to recover."
"This much is enough for me, I don't need more."
"I can't do this."



I've been seeing comments like this for the past few days. And honestly, i am speechless. What is wrong with these people? Why do they make comments like these, for everyone to see? Do they not understand how it affects others? Do they not realize the effects it will have? It isn't only triggering-it's influential, too. It all just needs to start from a single person. A small spark. This seemingly harmless spark, will result in an entire forest being ignited in flames. While the cause of this spark is unknown, the main concern is that this fire is spreading. Fast. I am just one amongst the many trees in this 'forest'(in this case, the ED community on IG) and this fire is quickly approaching me. And I really, REALLY don't want to burn. I don't want to relapse. I don't want to return to the way I was, EVER.

Sometimes, when I see comments like these, I would think to myself: "oh god. Why must they think so negatively? Why can't they just understand and change their mindset? It's such a redundant question, why do they still ask if they already know they have to recover?" This frustration, leads me to type out a long message in their comments under their photo, in an attempt to convince and persuade them out of their black hole. And then i move down my timeline, and continue the same action.

But this can't keep happening.

As much as we would like to encourage everyone and give them support, there is only so much that we can do to help. In the very end, it is you yourself that makes the decision to want to change. At the last mouth of that challenge meal, it is up to you to decide if you want to win the raging war in your head. At the final decision, it is up to you to choose if you want to get a salad with only vegetables for lunch, or a wholesome, balanced sandwich. At the final moment of a binge, it is your will to choose if you will let the food sit in your stomach, or proceed to purge and let the cycle repeat. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO MAKES THE ULTIMATE CHANGE.

A comment struck me lately. It said:"why am i being scolded for being so negative? Am i not allowed to have bad days?"

The answer is obvious. Everyone will have bad days. Everyone will experience moments of insecurity, anger, reluctance, and downright disgust. But the thing that differentiates between two bad days, is the way they cope with it'. Are you going to turn it around and make it a good one? Or will you wallow in self-pity, saying: "i'll just be sad and let ed win today. I'll do a better job tomorrow."

And this doesn't only apply to people in recovery. If you had a bad day at work, perhaps gotten a harsh reprimanding from your boss , will you scowl and vent your anger on your family and colleagues? Or will you heave a sigh of relief, and choose to bask in the comfort of their presence instead?

As much as I say all this, I must highlight that I too, AM HUMAN. I experience bad days, i get negative, i am constant fighting with my inner demons. And that is why I have no right to judge any others, nor discriminate their actions. I most definitely WILL NOT say:"You are so weak, always thinking like that." Because just like these people, these thoughts also appear in my mind. i question myself more times than I can count. The key to this situation is Empathy. To put myself in the shoes of these people, to try and relate to their hardship.

In many cases, statements like this would be deemed by 'normal' people as 'attention seeking'. But different people have different ways of expressing themselves, and perhaps these people do it to get reassurance and to simply let off steam. I can understand, seeing my word vomit is endless as well. But as much as we try to be considerate to these people, they must do the same and understand the impact of their actions. Their selfless confessions and expressions of their thoughts can become weapons against us instead.

I wish that all this would stop. I wish that social media didn't have such a big impact on me. I really hope all this negativity will cease soon, because i am honestly getting really affected :/we need a fire extinguisher, ASAP.


P.S. i just ate 500g of roasted nuts and no, i'm not feeling guilty about it. I've gained 0.4kg according to my scale this morning!!:DDD