Redefining Recovery

It's been weeks since I've last posted, mainly due to the flush of exams and a series of problems that suddenly decided to pop into my life. Well....to summarize the last few weeks, I would say its been horrible. I went into a near-relapse, cried pretty much everyday, and relationships with everybody pretty much got tensed and shitty. 

But hopefully that's all sorted out now.

Remember my weeks of successes, gaining a confident 0.5kg a week, being let back on exercise, promising that I was beating my eating disorder? Well. What can I say. It got too scary, too overwhelming. It became too fast. The fact that I wasn't especially making any special effort to eat an extravagant amount, nor trying any new foods, and yet still gaining weight, terrified me. I feared. What if after I reached my healthy weight, I wouldn't be able to stop eating this much? What if after I reach my healthy weight, I still continued to gain? Right now, asking myself these questions, I am able to make comebacks and remarks to correct myself and change my mindset to get back on track. But a few weeks ago, I wasn't strong enough. I gave in to my fears, and went back to reducing what I ate, controlling, substituting, making excuses, escaping, lying, you name it, I probably did it. My only thought was: "if I can do this and lose weight, at least I won't be so scared next time because I know that I still have this option if I ever decide to lose weight again." 

Telling myself this sentence now, I'm so embarrassed and full of remorse. Why do I still think that? Why do I still manage to let these cowardly thoughts invade and possess me? But the deed was done, and I lost weight. Slightly, but still a decrease. 

Of course, my actions reaped consequences. By going back to a restrictive diet and stripping myself of essential nutrients, my moods swung 180degrees. I became cold, angsty, moody; throwing tantrums at the smallest matters, venting my anger on anyone and everyone. My mum suffered most from my iron whip, bearing my harsh words and relentless vents with useless attempts at bringing me back to reality. I was so sure I had lost again. I was sure that I never wanted to gain weight again-why bother? But Fate decided to give me another chance at recovery. 

I met my aunt, who is a psychologist and someone I hold dear to my heart. The 3 of us, my mum, herself and I, had a heart to heart talk where I simple released all my fears, doubts and sorrows. To cut the long story short, I've had enough of suffering. I've had enough of these monstrous thoughts blocking my road to happiness. I've had enough of losing. And I make this promise to myself and everyone in my life: This experience will be my final relapse. It will be the final time I fall off the wagon, return to first base. I won't let it happen again. And although I'm all the way back at level 1, I'm going to climb back up the ladder and get out of this deep hole I've dug myself in. But you know what's the best thing? This time, I won't be alone. I'll have my family, my aunt to help me. I'll never be able to emphasise enough how important support is. And as of now, I have decided that I will cherish this support, make full use of it. I'm going to stop keeping my problems and thoughts to myself; i'm going to put my trust in others and release the tension that has built up in me. We came up with a few requirements that I have to meet when I'm at home:

1)EAT BREAKFAST DAILY

2)NO HIDING FOOD

3)NO THROWING FOOD

4)NO FIGHTS OVER PORTIONS

5)MIN. 2 OSTEOMILK/WEEK

6)0.5KG/WEEK

❤FINISH ALL MEALS@HOME

My mum will keep reminding me to ensure I follow all these rules, we're starting today (: I won't have full control over myself anymore. I must learn to give some control to others, let them decide what I eat. Yes, this is the best route for me. 

But what I hope is that while I have decided to give up control and win ED, I'm worried about my psychological factor of my disorder. In the end, why does it matter if I can force myself to eat a entire plate of pasta? So what if I can finish any dessert that I am presented with? If I still have fear of food, fear of getting fat, fears of this and that, I wouldn't be considered recovered yet. My mental mindset is probably the strongest part of me and will be the hardest to change. But I'll do it. I'll stop being scared of food. I'll stop treating food as a 'reward', instead it is a 'fuel'. It is an essential. It is a staple. 

Also, despite all the drama, who can forget Mother's Day? It went pretty well, considering I stayed up the entire night baking this homemade granola and banana bread-converted-into-muffins for my mum. She cried upon seeing it, and well, the morning was one of tears of joy(finally) we have this phrase in Chinese, 妈妈的爱最伟大. In my translation, it means that a mother's love is relentless, and cannot be compared to anything else. This, I agree completely. What I would be today without my mother, I have no idea. She'll be the most important person in my life forever. I hope everyone else had a blessed Mother's Day as well!

If anyone wants the recipe for the banana bread:

Banana bread

Ingredients

2 cups whole wheat flour

2 cups mashed banana (preferably overripe)

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/4 cup finely chopped dates

2 tbsp flax seed powder + 6 tbsp water

1-2 tbsp sesame seeds

Pre-heat the oven at 150 degree Celsius

Mix flax seed powder with water, stir well and leave it aside till gooey.

Mash the banana well.

In a big bowl add the flour with baking soda, baking powder, salt, cinnamon and mix well. now add the chopped dates and stir together. Add the mashed banana and flax seed powder mixed with water and stir till it’s combined. It’ll be a hard dough but don’t be tempted to add any more water. do not over mix. Just stir till it forms a hard dough.

Fold this into a greased loaf pan and sprinkle sesame seeds on top.

Bake for 50 to 60 mins till it’s well risen, crusty and golden on the outside. A toothpick inserted right in the center has to come out clean and that’s when the loaf is cooked.

The muffins didn't turn out that well so I won't share that :X  

Granola

2 cups raw, whole rolled oats (aka old fashion oats)

½ cup raw nuts, chopped

¼ cup raw seeds (sunflower or pumpkin seeds are great)

½ cup raisins/dried fruit

2-3 tablespoons grade-b maple syrup or raw honey (or a combo of both)

2 tbsp coconut oil (aka coconut butter) or other healthy cooking oil

½ tsp vanilla extract or almond extract

1 large pinch fine sea salt

Preheat the oven to 300º. Combine all ingredients in a mixing bowl and use your clean hands to mix well and toss to coat; it will be sticky and messy but that’s the fun part. The coconut oil might be liquid or solid depending on the temperature of the room you are in (it has a melting point of about 75ºF.) Your hands will warm it up and melt it into the mixture if it’s solid, just be sure to mix it all through the other ingredients so there aren’t any chunks of oil left. Spread the mixture in a thin layer on a baking sheet and bake for 10 minutes, until very lightly toasted.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Ah. Here's the reality. Upon discovering that I lost weight again, this time my school has decided to take drastic action. I've been banned off physical activity again and am now required to have my weight taken at any random given time, once a week. While I really hate my school for doing such a thing to me, I know it's for the best. I'm gonna stop fighting, rebelling against people's care for me. I've always looked at the school's actions as means of harming me, selfish decisions to make me suffer and be unhappy. But I've been told to look at it from the school's perspective. I have to stop being so selfish and only think about myself and what I deem as best for me. My coach spat at me in the face:"everyone cares for you! Why can't you see that? Stop letting this mindset control you!" Well, i'm not hating the school anymore. I'm not gonna blame them for doing this to me. I want to recover, and that's why I'm starting a new project now :> 

I'm not sure of my weight now, will check and update again, but I think its around the range of 47.8? My mum and I originally planned for me to hit 50kg by my birthday, but I doubt that'll happen now. So,in the next two weeks, I'll be aiming to put on at least a KG again. And on my birthday celebration I will NOT choose a low calorie cake, nor make my own. I plan to eat my ultimate favorite cake on earth: BLACKFOREST CAKE. Yes, that layered chocolate cake with thick whipped cream generously sprayed all over. And topped with a cherry. Oh, how decadent it is, the image in my head is already causing me to drool. DATELINE:29TH MAY 2013. 

Apologies for this fragmented, disorganized mess of a post. I'm ranting of whatever's been kept in my head for the past few weeks.

I should also mention that one motivation for my recovery is watching videos regarding eating disorders. Bless Youtube for existing, really. And trust me. Watching videos of what inpatient/recovery centers are like, hearing stories of recovered anorexics, seeing skeleton thin, bone protruding, girls who have been claimed by eating disorders, recover and eating normally again, truly just pushes me onwards. Yes, what I think when I see these girls are usually "Oh gosh, thank god I'm not like that." Or "oh my gosh I am never gonna become that skinny, it looks terrible." Which may be pretty insulting thoughts, but if you watch these videos I think you'll agree. Its horrendously frightening. Definitely not a pretty sight. Don't go there. 

Stay strong. It's all in the mind.