The Art of Self Control

Binge: (a)A period of unrestrained, immoderate self-indulgence, or (b)A period of excessive or uncontrolled indulgence in food or drink.

Cashews, Almonds and Roasted Black Beans

The photo above is from Thursday, 28th March 2013. It was just a while after lunch, but my stomach was beginning to feel empty again. I had been craving for nuts the entire week, and the thought of these nuts sitting in my pantry just made my mouth water and back of my throat scratchy and achy for the taste of crunchy, salty munchies. I took out these 3 containers and scooped a handful from each one, and told myself to just eat that portion first. It was gone in about 3 minutes.

That's when it started.

I opened the box of almonds, and started chewing on them. Maybe about 20 pieces later, the taste began to sit badly in my mouth and I moved on to get something salty instead; the black beans. These roasted crunchies are those types of goodies that you can't stop munching on once you start. I was quickly approaching the 1/3 mark of the bottle, so I forced myself to cap back the lid. But I was still itching for food. So I gave in to my final weakness- roasted cashews. And well, as you can see from the picture, the end result was barely 1/3 the container left. Almost 400g worth of snacks, demolished in less than an hour. Sounds scary, doesn't it? People would be think, "You must be crazy. How do you even fit that all in your stomach? What a monster." Right now, I don't know whether to laugh it off, or agree with them.

That night, with a heavy heart and unfiltered thoughts swimming around in my head, I decided to look up by best friend- Google. "Binging while recovering from anorexia", I remember mundanely typing into the search box. And what I found that night really made me feel so, so much better. 

The first blog, www.youreatopia.com  explained how binges and mainly eating much more than what we are comfortable with, was perfectly common amongst many others in recovery. It explained that the calorie deficit for a recovering like me was at least 2500 a day. It basically eased all my doubts and anxieties in just 2 blog posts. 

Why is binging not binging when you are recovering from restricted eating?

Weight Recovered and still binging

I can't open the links right now for some reason, but I think everyone should have a look at them if you can. They were like god-given words, honestly. You will understand once you read the post.  

I also read many articles and stories shared by other past anorexics, that overeating was a common problem that they experienced. It felt good, knowing that I wasn't alone. I wasn't the only one going through this problem. I wouldn't have to suffer with this guilt and bear it's sole weight.

I am actually not that bothered by the number of calories I eat a day. I know that more is better than less, and I'm actually satisfied with a higher number. At the end of the day, higher calories means more input, and hopefully more weight gain in a shorter period of time. It's the binging I'm worried about. What if I develop Binge Eating Disorder? What if I become a binger? What if I lose all self control? What if I go to the opposite end of the scale instead of recovering?

My mum came home that night and pretty much had the shock of her life when she saw the remains of the nuts that we had just bought a couple days back. "Vivien! Did you finish all this?!" She hollered from the kitchen to my room. I cringed and padded out the room in resignation, and broke down as I poured my insecurities to her. It was a good relief session, to think about it. My mum has agreed to watch out for my tendencies to overeat and make sure to constantly harp at me to stop eating before I finish the entire container. 

Another reason that lessens my concern is because my overeating mainly evolves around nuts, seeds, beans and fruits. Unlike other stories I've read, where they can consume an entire jar of pb(gosh), an entire block of chocolate, or two boxes of cereals in a go, I doubt I will ever reach that stage of complete mindblock and lose all sense of control. I hope. I really, really don't want that to happen. Compared to some cases where they binge over 2000 calories, I've been told that what I eat doesn't consider as a binge. That I'm simply refeeding my body the nutrients that it's asking for. That statement alone does wonders everytime I feel like I'm binging; it assures me, and I'll end up eating till I'm full before I stop. Of course I feel like a huge whale, but if I eat till I actually feel full, and not to the point of puking, does that still count? My mind is in a whirl everytime I think about this issue. One says this, another argues. It's an endless war. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. Right now, I'm just listening to my body as to when to eat and when to stop. I just hope that that's the right decision.

Its now nearly Sunday, and over the past 3 days, it's been on-off eating a lot and eating little. I've finished that container of black beans as well as cashews that was left. I'm still worried that I'm going overboard, but the deed is done and I won't go back. At 9pm(Saturday), I had just finished dinner, had a large snack of grapes, longans and mangoes, and was preparing to just relax in bed. But guess what. My stomach and mind was asking me for cashews and almonds. It was crazy-they were like those insects that just keep flying around you no matter how much you try and wave them away. I tried everything- walking around(away from the kitchen), closing the door, reading a book, listening to music- nothing worked. At 9.30pm, I stormed out of my room and headed straight to the cupboard housing the last of the cashews and the still full container of almonds. And I didn't stop. Piece after piece after piece, I said goodbye to the last cashew nut and started on the almonds. But thank god for mum, she was like an alarm clock put on snooze, ringing every few minutes to stop. At first, I ignored her and just continued eating. But after a few good reminders, I seemed to finally awake from my reverie. Patting my stomach, I actually felt SATISFIED, and chose to stop. So, I guess it wasn't that bad as it could have gotten? I can't even imagine the scenario of finishing the entire box of almonds, I think I would have puked. (On a side note, I DON'T purge no matter how badly I binge/overeat. The last time I b/p was last year, I think? And it was because I overloaded on so much fruit, the water content either had to be released or my stomach would have burst><)

I wonder if anyone who reads this will be able to relate to me. I wonder if anyone is in the same plight as I am, or if they have experienced it before. Ultimately, I think that having someone who understands, really helps. The terror, fright I feel is sky high. I can't tell people like my doctor, because I can't/don't want to imagine what stupid move he'll do next to further increase my misery. 

It's scary. I'm scared. This disorder is scary. I won't let it win. Not after I've come this far. There's no going back. Even if I have to do it alone. I won't go back. Please.....I just want to stay strong.

2kg in 4 weeks. 1 week down, 3 more to go.