When friends turn to foe

"Monkey see, monkey do."

How I wish this statement could be applied to me now. My best friend is currently on a diet. She's really serious about it- she works out twice a day, everyday, attends bowling training, and the biggest factor? Diet food. She has a salad for ALL 3 meals and her snacks consist of mainly fruits and almonds. I can't even begin to explain how big of a trigger this is. I eat my meals with her daily, and just by watching what she eats, I am engulfed by terror, guilt and unhappiness.


"Why can't I eat like that either? Why must I eat so unhealthily compared to her? What if I end up becoming fatter than her?" Yes, these are redundant questions with sparkling obvious answers. Yes, i'm one mean bitch of a best friend. And I don't know if this is my own thinking or if it's ED talking, but my FEAR of anyone becoming skinnier than me, lighter than me; it throws me off completely. My mind would constantly harp on: I want to be the skinniest. I want to look the best. I want to fit into my clothes and look pretty and small.

These, I KNOW, are DEFINITELY ED thoughts. Because i know it's physically impossible for me. I'm big built, with heavy and large bones. I am most definitely not pretty, and my character isn't one to be glorified either. Deep down, I know that I will never be able to match up to my best friend, nor pretty much anyone else out there. That's one of my thoughts: I thought i could at least make up for being so useless in this world by being skinny. If I could at least wear any clothes I wanted, that would at least make me feel better for being so lacking in other areas.

But this is wrong. And I know it. Seeing my friends eat lesser/healthier than myself, is hard and painful. But looking back, when I first began my 'dieting' and weight loss and restricting, I probably emulated this image as well. When faced with these situations, right now the most important discipline I'm learning is to remind myself of what's right. To tell myself that everybody is different. If they are meant to be skinny, they will be. If they are meant to be on the larger built side, that'll be them as well.

I am underweight. I am not having my period. I have big bones. I can't have a completely flat stomach. I won't end up fatter than her. I need to gain weight. I need to lose my lanugo hair. I want my healthy hair back. I want to be able to do sports again. I want to be normal.

Each time I experience those situations, these are some things I would tell myself.

"Once you are back at healthy weight, you can eat the way you like again."

Im putting my faith in these words, and forcing myself to plod through the mud ground that is holding me back. Do what's right. Choose what's right.

Most importantly, it is NOT TRUE that I have no value in this world. No matter what size, shape, condition, illness I have, I will ALWAYS have people who will be there for me. My parents will still love me. My siblings will still play and talk to me. My best friend will still be there for me. My friendship with others will still exist. And definitely, there will be people who still dislike me. But you know what? Screw all that shit.

"Life is too short to worry about what people think of you", as quoted by my best friend. There's so much truth in these words. Why care? Why bother? Why concern yourself with small people who won't benefit your life in any way? I won't be alone. NO ONE on this earth is EVER, FOREVER ALONE. Someone cares for you. Someone out there. Definitely. Someone close by, or someone you have yet to meet. Don't look down on yourself. Don't degrade yourself. Because you are worth so much more than you think.

So no, ED. My answer is no. I'm not going to let you hold me down. Best friend dieting and achieving her dream body? I'm gonna be happy for her. Someone eating lesser than me? Screw you, some people in the world don't even have food, I'm appreciating mine. I'm gonna look so ugly? BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP. I will regret this? We'll see who gets the last laugh.

Love yourself, accept yourself. Thank you for just being you<3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
Presenting my best friend's daily meal: okay it doesn't look that appetizing. GIVE ME MY FOOD INSTEAD (;