Control that urge!

I'm sure many people, not only people recovering from ED like me, aren't allowed to exercise. From injuries, fatigue,restriction, or purely just not wanting to exercise, the reasons why anyone won't exercise are aplenty. Thus, I'm sure this post will be relatable to quite a few out there.

As an athlete(yes, a bowler is considered one too) in a sports school, our daily timetable involves at least 2 training sessions a day, sometimes even more. For the past 3 years, i've been committed to a routine of a morning workout and an afternoon training session.It has become a habit instilled deeply into my body system.

"You'll have to stop all training and physical activity until you reach your minimal healthy weight."

This sentence caused my world to literally crumble to pieces before my eyes, the amount of disbelief, anguish and resentment I felt surpassed any physical form(eg Mt.Everest). It was as though a part of me was being torn away.


Asking me not to exercise, was like asking a human not to breathe, asking a dog not to look for its bone, asking a automatic toilet flush to not flush....yeah you get the point. That first week when I was forbidden from training, I was completely lost as to what to do. Should I sleep? Should I wake up? I pretty much suffered from withdrawal and my body itched so badly to get up and sweat. I fidgeted like crazy, jumped around, jogged on the spot, walked around with wrist weights on- I was cooped up in my room, trapped, as I watched my fellow teammates continue training, doing what I loved and yearned to do. In class, I even began standing all the time and moving around a lot, much to the annoyance of my classmates-but my body was frustrated. It wasn't only my mind taking an impact, the tension and stress was building up and begging to me let out.
This led me to throw aside all morale and turn to rebellion: i would wake up and attend my morning trainings despite my coaches disapproval, and in the afternoons i would try and do workouts in my room. I felt that if I didn't exercise, I didn't have the right to eat. If I felt as though I did not sweat enough that day from my mini workouts, I would restrict during my meals. It was a vicious, killer cycle that would lead me deeper into the hole that I had dug myself into.

Let's put it simply-I'm not a role model for anyone AT ALL. Being 101% honest: right now, I still wake up at 6.30am, and go to the most remote corners of the school, and perform toning exercises for an hour. These short sessions, are nothing compared to my usual trainings. they mainly involve jumping jacks, lunges, squats, etc. Yes, I'm going against the rules. I'm cheating. I lie to my coaches, teachers that I sleep in everyday. All this is likely to be a part of ana still controlling me, and yet it isnt either. When I exercise, I feel relieved. The endorphins released during these pathetic, measly workouts are enough to keep me calm for the entire day. The biggest change that's occurred to me though, is that I no longer exercise in the afternoons whatsoever. i don't have urges to run, jump, hop. I basically spend my afternoons lounging about and snacking on tidbits. Even in the mornings, my mindset to have a compulsory work out has disappeared. If I felt too fatigued to wake up in the morning, I would simply laze in bed and use my phone. No guilt, no frustration.

At past appointments with my doctor, i've never failed to argue with my doctor to let me do exercise. Of course, i'm rejected each time. "Once you reach your healthy weight, you can exercise all you want. Why sabotage yourself and make recovery slower?" This sentence made so much sense, yet my ED mind was unable to comprehend it and I would often blow up in anger or tears. But it's stopped. I've stopped asking. It makes sense to me now. It's true. Exercise isn't my life. Health is. Why delay my happiness?

I do not wish for anyone to follow in my footsteps, because it really just delays your recovering process. Im sure many of you would be asking, If i know this, why do I still do it? I don't know either. Maybe one day I will be able to stop. Maybe. But no longer restricting myself during my meals, eating every single one dutifully and faithfully, is a promise I have made to myself, with or without exercise. I'm not perfect. I'm not completely recovered yet. But at least I admit that what I'm doing is WRONG.

Always remember: The right decisions aren't always the easiest or the happiest, but they are what's best for you. Make the right choice and put your life and happiness before anything else.

If you feel urges to exercise, stop yourself first and think twice. You want to recover as fast as possible? Stop then. Missing one workout isn't going to kill you. Not exercising isn't going to make you fat, just like how one workout made didn't make you skinny. Go take a nice, hot bath. Watch a movie. Read a good book. Hell, do some homework. Chat with your friends. Sleep. Eat. Do whatever. The urges will definitely go away, as long as you choose to ignore them. Think of it as kicking a bad habit. Don't feel bad for eating. Food is fuel, food is love, food is health. Food is amazing. In fact, i'm going to enjoy some food right now (;