Recipe For Disaster

Fore-warning: this is a triggering post. Please refrain from reading if you are unable to handle it.




I just binged.

A bad opening grabber, my English teacher would probably have my head for that. But my mind is in a frenzy right now. I'm overwhelmed by school, homework, tests, friends, pretty much everything that's being thrown in my way at the moment. I'm on the verge of breaking, I'm lost, troubled, tired. My priorities are all messed up and wrong, I have lost the line between wrong and right. Weight gain, eating normally, studying, training, exercising, maintaining my friendships, what else is there to add to the list? Just this week, weight gain has been a constant burden in my mind, and yet it's been the least of my concerns. No, I haven't been following my meal plan. I've been eating way more. It's been uncontrollable, and yet there were days that I just stuck to small portions of rice, meat and loaded up on the nuts and fruits. Eating till I was too bloated to even sit down straight. Every single day this week, my body image has been dungeon deep- no matter which angle I looked from, all I saw was a huge whale, bloated, fat, disgusting. So many people commented that I've gained weight. "You seem to have put on some weight!" "You look abit bigger now!" "Did your arms or legs become bigger?" "OMG, I'm so glad to hear that you've gained weight!" My coach even said to me, "You look.....better, now." While I was planning to take his comment with a pinch of salt, his tone, attitude, facial expression-that of sarcasm, was one I could not tolerate. My self-hatred sky-rocketed and that night, I just wanted to wallow in a corner and cry, and die. While they may have had good intentions when they told me that, hearing that 5 times a day is just too much. That sentence is interpreted in my mind simply as-Good. You're gaining weight, you'll be fatter than me soon. Or when someone tells me to eat more, even if it's vegetables, instinctively my brain will go: "Oh, so you want me to eat more because you want me to become fatter than you, right?"

Why do I still need to gain weight? I already look so big. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to eat rice or meat anymore. Just let me eat fruits and vegetables, I don't care if I get fat. Why can't I just eat whatever I want and not have to worry about getting fat? I hate this. I hate it all. I'm just going to grow into a fat pig-wait no-aren't I already one? I'm just going to keep gaining weight and not be able to stop. I'm going to become as fat as I was in the past. I hate myself. "So, if I train today, I'll have to eat this....at what time." "If I stay in the room, I'm definitely gonna end up binging." "If there's no fruits, what am I supposed to eat?" "I JUST OVERATE. AGAIN. WHY." Why is that girl so skinny? Why is her body so nice? Oh man, if I keep eating, I'm going to become as big as that girl there. Look at her thighs/stomach! I don't ever want to become that size!

Yeah, those were pretty much my thoughts the entire week. Talk about negative. I don't know anymore. It's a constant battle between: "Should I eat? Should I have this? Am I hungry yet? Am I just thirsty?" Ana and Vivien are having a war in my mind and I'm gonna split into half soon.

I don't know if I give off the impression that I'm doing very well, or as people say that I am an 'inspiration' or doing an 'amazing job recovering'. But this is my reality. Just like any other person in recovery, my inner battles are the toughest ones. It proves to me how disordered my thinking still is-and I don't know how to help myself. I don't know what I should be thinking. Right now, I don't know who's going to win. I feel like I'm developing another eating disorder, binging. Although I eat bigger breakfasts and my standard meals throughout the day, I still end up overeating at night and though I don't lose all control, I feel that I'm eating more than I should.

Take tonight for example. I was full after dinner. More than full. Completely satiated. But at the back of my throat, I felt scratchy, itching for some sort of relief there. It usually comes in the form of nuts, but I kept telling myself that I was already full and should just keep drinking water. But the itch just couldn't go away. Long story short, I polished off about 300g worth of salted, roasted cashew nuts. Yay for about 1800 calories in 30 minutes. Even though I was obviously full and bloated, but the throaty feeling just refused to subside. I'm scared. Of whatever I'm becoming. I don't know what's happening to me anymore- and I'm honestly too tired to care. Leave my body to it's own means- just live day by day; is that what I want? No. I have a life to live. I'm not giving up just yet, but right now I'm just so tired. Even now, the clearest thought in my brain is- Can I just die? There's no point in me living anyway.

At this point, anyone reading this is probably thinking: Okay, you're obviously psychotic and need some psychological help or something. Or maybe, Wow I thought this girl was doing a good job? My motivation? What a joke.

 Judge me, that's all society does, isn't it? Everyone gets discriminated for something, one way or another. Even if they haven't done anything wrong.

I have a 2km run in a few days, where I have to achieve below 9.30mins for a distinction grade. I've been trying to train but my lack of exercise for the past few months are revealing its effects-my stamina and speed have flown down the drain, my legs are still aching from yesterday- And all I did was run 5 rounds at my best effort. My quadriceps feel as though they've been injected with iron, and are sore whenever I move them. I don't know how I'm going to achieve anything at this rate. I planned to try a new recipe for breakfast tomorrow, but right now I've realized that I don't have the ingredients. Now I'm sad and just feel like skipping breakfast tomorrow-though I know I won't, breakfast is my staple meal every day. I'll be out the entire day-meaning no parents, no one watching. I'm so tempted to just substitute my meals for something, like maybe a box of grapes. But I'm not going to let that happen. I need to be stronger than this. I'm sorry for such a negative post, I hope no one gets triggered or discouraged when reading this. Because I know that recovery is important. Recovery is worth it. I'll be back on track soon, as soon as I get all my priorities sorted out again.

That was a good rant.....now I need to sleep. Waking up tomorrow morning to run again :3