Pillars Of Support

Hello, it's been some time. Been pretty busy with my exams, they're such a chore ): and yet, constantly having tests help to distract me; they take me out from all the obsessive food worries, the expectations, the monsters, the fakers, the real world.




In some ways, getting an ED wasn't all the bad stuff. Because of it, I feel like I've made many new friends, made amazing friends with people who can understand me, know my fears, who I can just complain to about anything. When I have meals with them, I don't have any anxieties, any worries- if they can do it, why can't I? More than just a couple times I've wondered: Why is it that when I eat with my normal classmates, I can get triggered so easily, but with my ig friends I feel so at ease? I've yet to find the answer, but I just know that getting to know these people will be something that I'll never regret. I can't even begin to thank them enough for all the help that they've given me; they don't know how much of an impact they've made in my life. They are such inspirations to me; they're the ones pushing me to keep going. Thanks to them, I've overcome so many things. From the very first step out- Ice cream, bakes, kitkat, chocolate, tempura, desserts, burgers, and so many more to come-without them, where would I be today? I don't even want to think of that possibility.

I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks Instagram has becoming a huge socializing ground. Thinking back to December when I first set up my account; those with ed on IG were scarce, or maybe they were just very annoyonous about it. Either way, support came from the same few people, who still continue doing so today, or maybe some accounts from the faraway countries. Comparing that to now, I feel like so much has happened in such a short span of time. Too much. Honestly, I feel like there's been a really big increase in ED accounts, suddenly everyone is so much more linked, so much closer. And that goes both ways.

9 months from then, those people who've come and gone, have been far from a few. People enter and leave, that's something I've learnt to accept. But those who've stayed have become such important figures in my life now. The few whom I've come to love so much, whom I'm able to talk and rant to, to enjoy good food together, to feel like I belong somewhere. Sometimes I feel people just use me to get to know others. Maybe it's just me, but I know that there'll be people who don't even care about me, they just want to know the people I do, get closer to them, blah hmm I don't know.

There've been occasions where I found out that someone lied to me, whether it's about what they're eating, what they've been doing. It's not only triggering, but I feel it's utterly detesful. What's the point of lying when nobody benefits? Do you do it because you're afraid people will judge you? Hmm.

And lately...some seem to be having troubles battling that inner demon in their head. They ask: "How do I stop it?" "How do I start recovering?" "Is this correct?" "Can I eat this....instead of this?" "I'm scared, I can't" "I tried my best" Have also come to hear of more undiagnosed cases, people who try to recover themselves. As much as the ed community can do our best to help, we aren't professionals. Let's say your teacher asked you to do a project, and at the same time the principal told you to do so as well. Whose project would you complete first? I would think the person with more authority right? I'm not sure if that's really a good example but it works that way. When a doctor says "take the supp" as compared to eg. me telling someone to "take a supp", obviously the doctor's words are the ones that are always taken more seriously. It isn't impossible to recover independently. But without the proper treatment, it'd be much harder, especially if your mindset is one which is very much consumed with hateful thoughts. How long would it take you to challenge yourself to fear foods? How would you know what's the meal plan you're supposed to follow? How would you know what's your target or how much progress you're making? Most importantly, would your mental mindset be strong enough to take it without someone else's advice or help? Many people forget that an ED is so much more of a mental challenge than just the inability to eat. Hence I really urge you, if you think you may have such a problem, to please just go seek professional help. ): Yes, it's pricey, yes, you may get into deep crappy situations. But do you really want to be stuck with this eating disorder forever?

"What if I don't want to recover? I really don't." I read in a tweet, just today. I was truly flabbergasted. I'm quite sure even after I knew I had an ED, even at the worst stages of it, I knew that I wanted to recover. It blows my mind even having to think that someone wants to live with an eating disorder forever. Do you really want to fear eating for the rest of your life? Do you really want to keep lying to people forever? Do you really want to risk getting osteoporosis, hormonal imbalances, swelled knuckles, inflamed/scarred throats, bald heads, laguno, spine/hip bruises throughout your life? Do you really think that people like looking at skeletons(sorry for being direct but)? Once again, I fail to understand. More times than not I receive comments, questions, that are so ED-like or pro-ED that I just want to slap myself. It pains me when I realize that these people can't see what their asking, are so blatantly obvious that it's a monster in their head causing them to have this mindset. In a way, I can relate. I used to be like that; scared, fearful, doubtful. Everything was a challenge, everything was something new. It was really like learning how to eat again. Learning how to enjoy food again. And it's sad to see that these people can't see it. It's even worse when I feel like I can't help them, simply because I don't know how to. The only words in my head are forever: "Just wake up and see that it's wrong" but I can't tell them that, simply because if I had been told that when I was at my weakest, I would have just broken down. It's terrifying, this disease. It engulfs your entire self, makes you so, so filled with self hatred. It evolves and amplifies any negativity present in yourself. It feeds on your doubt, guilt, sadness, hate. It's frightening to see how some people have fallen so deep into the hole, firmly caught in its grasp. But I'm telling you that it's possible to get out. No matter how arduous the climb, no matter what method you have to use, please get out. It's not worth it sacrificing your life to a devil.

Can't express how my heart just breaks looking at those sickly, frail girls. I've somehow come to spot some when I see them, I don't know how. Some plainly obvious by the way their bones protrude from their bodies, some by the aura of insecurity they carry with them, as though they've something to hide. Some by the way they look down everytime they walk, most by the way they walk past food shops staring, sometimes looking at the people eating-their expressions either ones of envy, shock, fear, disgust. Rudely, I find myself staring at these people sometimes, wondering if they're receiving help. If they're out of the painful cycle yet.

I cannot emphasize how important a variety of food is when one is eating, not only to those in recovery, but humans in general. Isn't it normal for people to eat different things, different types of food? I really don't think, nor want to imagine myself eating the same things everyday, trapped in such a repetitive cycle. Maybe it's because since young, I've had a rather fanciful palate, yes I like my food with sauces, spices, soups, you name it. Just a couple months ago, I wouldn't even have been able to handle myself eating ice cream weekly, double scoops at that. But now my variety has opened up to a much wider spectrum; I have my IG friends to thank for that. But after I've reached healthy weight, after I've got my periods back, maybe a few years down the road as I look back at this time of recovery, at least I'll be able to proudly agree that I enjoyed the weight gaining process. At least I enjoyed the food I ate as I gained. Desserts, meals, snacks, at least even now, I can tell myself that I don't have that many fear foods anymore. Fast food is at the top of my list, but after that.....nothing much else? I've really come to love this "everything in moderation" thing, I mean why should anyone restrict themselves from some good food once in a while? No, make that all the time. Live to eat, not eat to live.

"Comfort food is supposed to make you feel happy, not guilty!" -Brownice