Before&After

So one of my followers on IG wanted to see how I looked like at the start of recovery, and up till now. I suspect it's to have some sort of evidence, some sort of self assurance, that reaching healthy weight doesn't mean that one will become fat.

I've definitely felt that I eat much more than others, so I'm not surprised if people think I'm huge, that I'm too big to be defined as an anorexic. But you know what? I'm glad. I'd honestly, honestly rather be big in size than be known as an anorexic. I'd rather have flesh than be stick thin like a skeleton. I'll admit that I eat a fair lot, I eat a lot of higher calorie foods, but I really don't think about that. Like, what are calories man... People will judge, people will doubt. I'm just going to eat whatever the hell I want and be happy. I've changed a lot since December, both physically and mentally. And truthfully, I'm proud to admit that I prefer myself now over what I used to be/what I used to look like.

Was looking at my first few Instagram photos, when I first used this account to kick off my recovery. Looking at my body then, I just want to slap myself. Why couldn't I see then, how disgustingly distorted and shrunken my body was? Protruding ribcage, hipbone, shoulders, elbows, butt bone-everything was just completely disfigured and disproportionate. It's embarrassing how I couldn't see this, how I still felt like I had more to lose, how I still felt like I was bigger than my friends. I was horrible. Thinking back to this time, I regret it so much. The torture that my body went through, I regret putting it through so much suffering.

I remember my school had an event in January, called Awards Night, where everyone would dress up really nicely and it would pretty much be a party affair for all, everyone would be wanting to take pictures with one another. Bad experiences for the past 3 years made me want to make this final year a good one, where I could actually have a decent body to present to the public, to at least look nice wearing some sort of formal attire. To at least not be a laughing stock. It succeeded, in the sense that I managed to fit into my dress; I managed to be the skinniest amongst all my friends, I managed to not be the embarrassment of the group. But at such a great cost. I would really want to just turn back time and stop myself from being so foolish...So this was in January, where I was about 46kg? And I thought that I was heavy, I hated the thought of gaining any more weight.

Well, I'm not proud of my body, I'm extremely embarrassed to have to post this photo but I just wanted to emphasise how much I've changed since then. This was taken just a few days ago(24 Aug 2013), 8 months later. A happy weight, merely decimals off my healthy weight. To many, I probably look big, fat, gah whatever lousy words people can spout. I don't have a flat stomach, my bones no longer stick out awkwardly, I don't have a toned body nor am I skinny. Or at least I don't feel so, while my friends tell me I should still gain. But truth be told, I feel so much more comfortable now. I feel normal again; healthier at the very least. I feel like my bones actually have some form of protection, that at least I know I can do sit ups without my butt bone or spine crying out in pain. At least I know that I can do bicep curls with 6kg weights on each arm, at least I know that I can stand against my bigger sized classmates who knock into me everytime we fool around. I'm not what you would define as fitspo/abs-spo. But at least I'm healthier. And that's something I don't regret. I don't ever want to look like that ever again.

The part I hate most about my body? My legs, I find their structure so weird-my knees bend in as though they're distorted, I feel like I have rickets or something. My family commented to me so many times about it, asking why my legs were so weirdly shaped. I got upset thinking and blaming myself that it may have been caused by the months of abuse I brought upon it, forcing them to endure my long runs or extreme exercise sessions, burning and forcing the tendons in my quads and hamstrings to withstand the pressure and intensity. I'm so sorry. I regret, so much. If I could, I would turn back time and stop myself. Now, even if I have to do simple movements like climbing up a flight of stairs, my hamstrings and knee would hurt, they would feel sore. Occasionally, my kneecaps feel as though they're too small to protect my legs, to withstand any more impact. And that really frightens me. The thought of "what if something goes wrong with my legs and I can never walk again?" The possibility scares me so much I completely stop any activity involving my legs, trying to use them as little as possible.

A few days ago, I went out with my favourite people to check out the magnum pleasure store, which we had actually keyed in the date as our "go-when-our-periods-return" meetup. But after realizing it was a pop-up store, we decided to rush there before it moved away. It turned into the 1-year-anniversary of being bloodless, a tragic occasion to celebrate. But this was bloody good comfort food to soothe our souls. And I really just want so much for my periods to return. I don't care if I go over healthy weight anymore, really. I just want to be healthy and happy again and being able to get my monthlies and get cramps and sores and aches and feel like a perfectly average teenager going through puberty. I'm sorry if that was too explicit.

Did I mention magnum is the most amazing thing ever. Though it's so expensive for a factory made ice cream but SO WORTH IT OKAY. Love my combination like nuts. So....I don't know what people'll think of this progress I've made after 8 months. To some, perhaps I look pudgy? To myself....can I just be very open and say that I don't think I look that big :* I like the way I look, although I definitely have my bad days and bad thoughts. Gah. I actually feel like my weight's redistributed quite abit....I don't feel like my meat is concentrated around my stomach area, which is what it was in the earlier stages of recovery, where I would just feel full all the time and big. Not anymore though. I don't mind gaining more, but I want to at least look toned heh. After healthy weight, I've wanted to build up muscles and have a nice body since forever, but who cares even if I can't. Can't be bothered to think about this kind of whoop dee doop. Society really just keeps judging, you can't keep pleasing people all the time. Accept yourself for who you are, accept that you are special. You are different. You are YOU. Don't let anyone else dictate that. Don't let people decide what you have to look like. Everybody's beautiful in their own unique way, I really believe that now. 

This is me now, in August. I was so skeptical when trying on this dress again; i was so sure it wouldn't have been able to fit. But hola, it did! Although it hugs my body in a freaking unappealing way, I like it so much more than how I looked when I first wore it-boney, sickly, frailly. Yes, there's meat on me now. But no human can be meatless. That's just wrong. Having meat protects us, insulates us, helps us function normally. If we were all created to be stick thin, why didn't God just create skeletons? 

For those who want to be skinny, sickly skinny, mind possessed by this monster, ask yourself: is it really worth it? There's this tweet: 

Skinny=anorexic,thick=obese, virgin =too good,non-virgin=slut,friendly= fake, quiet=rude. You can never please society.

Personally, I agree 100% with this statement. No matter what you look like, no matter how good you character is, you'll be judged. People judge. It's human nature. You judge, I judge, everybody does. Who are we to stop a person from doing so? We can't go up to them and say 'hey, stop judging people.' Unless you're saying you can do so yourself. So, people will continue to have their opinions, criticisms, praises. But YOU are the one who decides how to take it. Are you going to view it in a negative or positive light? Are you going to use it as a praise or an insult? I know many who want to be skinny just so they can 'look good'. But then again, who is society to decide what is the definition of 'looking good'? Look at Adele. She isn't exactly a Victoria Secret model. But to me, she's amazing. A perfect role model. Her company asked her to lose weight. She refused and said that she wanted to be known and liked as someone who could really sing, and not as though she became famous for her looks/figure. Look at where she is today. All her awards, performances, world recognition. You don't have to be thin to be successful or well-liked. 

Relapse. What is the meaning of it? To me, it means going back to your old ways, whatever they were-restricting, over exercising, purging, binging, lying, etc etc. its not wanting to recover. Its wanting to be that old, sickly, mind-consumed self again. It's not wanting to challenge yourself. It's not wanting to win your ED. Its doing everything that's wrong instead of doing what's right. The fear of foods, macros, ingredients, the haunting thoughts, the control, the urges; I bet even the most recovered people will get those thoughts sometimes. It will still linger on in our minds, albeit at the back of it, or even having just the faintest presence. But what differentiates one who wants to recover with one who is less willing? I would think it's courage. For those stronger ones, those with the determination and mindset of 'I want to be normal again' or 'I want to be free of ED' or 'I want to love food again', usually have the situation whereby whenever those thoughts appear, no matter how strong they are, one way or another they will be pushed aside. Despite the fear. Despite the guilt. Despite the anguish, the hatred. Even if there are tears after, these fighters will wipe them away, pat themselves on the back, and continue to trudge on. I myself was one of those who challenged themselves for one meal, then just got so guilty and restricted like hell after that. For example, if I challenged myself and had a cake for a snack, I would get so guilty that I wouldn't eat dinner, or at most exercise till I felt I had burned it off and it was okay to eat again, though I probably wouldn't have eaten carbs or something. I know of so many cases like that. But truly: One bad meal doesn't make one fat, just like one good meal doesn't make you skinny. While I agree that its good to challenge yourself, I think the challenge doesn't only lie in the meal itself. It lies in the actions after that. How you handle the thoughts, how you tackle the next meal. Some may call it continuously challenging yourself. I would think of it as eating like a normal person. Maybe it's just me, but I feel that if you're going to challenge yourself, just go all out and do it. For example, if you're going to challenge eating a bun from some random bakery. EAT THE WHOLE DAMN THING. Not pluck out bits and pieces and think 'there's so much.' I get so, so annoyed when people do that. UGH. ASDFGHJKL okay just needed to get that off my chest. DO SOMETHING WHOLEHEARTEDLY. if you take your own sweet time to challenge yourself, thinking you have a lot of time, you're really wrong. If you keep procrastinating, how long will it take you to reach your goal? 

I feel that ED is a little time bomb in my head. And just like all other bombs, they can be fused as long as you cut the right wire. So keep fighting. Keep working. Keep challenging. Keep going. Those thoughts will get fainter and fainter, less scary, less intimidating. 

One more thing. Quality over quantity. 

Sorry haha just sneak peaks of bread from mama's. Have a lot of photos I want to post but their so unappealing....zzzz

Everything in moderation huh....I'm still a lil uncertain about where to go from here, being so close to hw. I don't know what kind of plan to follow, what kind of things I'm allowed to do. And the worst thing is even though I still feel like eating so much, I have to remind myself that I can't eat too much anymore. Even my doctor told me that. Definitely don't want to go to the other extreme. But I think I'll miss the times of eating ice cream everyday xD I've been having ice cream 7 days in a row now :D need a clean fix hahaha I feel very "cold" now HAHA