It's just a number

14th September 2013 shall be a day to remember. The day I officially hit that number. The day I officially achieved my goal which started 10 months ago.

It was a number that my doctor had wanted me to attain in 4 months. At that point in time, I thought it would be possible, easily reached. "Just need to keep eating, get to eat anything I want, I'll be there in a blink of the eye" but hoho, look how long it took me. Guess how many scoops of ice cream, waffles, bread, full bowls of rice it took me? Countless. To accept that I had to eat at least 5 meals a day, hungry or not, wasn't as hard as I imagined. Okay, maybe at first it was. My reluctance to eat, supported by the slightest bulge from my stomach, sometimes a higher number on the scale, most often when I saw my friends/family eating lesser than me, were the main contributors to my cowardice. "What if I become fat again" "This will make me huge" "I'm gonna gain weight for sure" those thoughts consumed my mind and snapped at my every fibre, terrorizing me, haunting me, tearing me away from what I wanted most: recovery. 

I can't remember the exact date. But it's a day that I'll remember forever. The day I decided(okay, was convinced to) challenge ice cream. First time meeting friends from Instagram. It was a day that altered the course of my recovery forever. We laugh about it now: thinking back to when we were in that shop, hovering about the ice cream cases nervously, undecided about which flavors to try, yet I wasn't daring enough to sample them all. Thinking that a single scoop was enough for us, that it was already incredibly daring. 

I have to admit, although I had really liked dark chocolate, at that time I also chose it because it was the safest flavor to me. Ah well~ But surprisingly I wasn't as scared as I expected to be. It's probably because Sihan and Grace were both doing it with me. Doing it together was surprisingly comforting, undeniably reassuring, seemingly harmless. And I enjoyed it. I inhaled every single swipe, every drop, every inch of the cold, creamy goodness that I had denied myself from for more than half a year. 

This was pretty near my lowest. ERRRR awkward bald patch on the top of my head. How embarrassing. Yes I was balding pretty badly back then. And crazily skinny, even I can see that now. Facewall. What was I doing -.-

TADAAAAA. Months later, same people, same goal, same situation. Ice cream. Again. This time, with waffles. Wholeheartedly enjoying it. Travelling 2 hours just for the sake of it. Loving the company, the food, the deja vu. All agreeing on how far we've come since that first day(': Very obviously much healthier and happier than before <3 NO MORE BALD PATCH ON MY HEAD. And this was milligrams from healthy weight :D 

I was tempted to get a double scoop on waffles because the scoop was small okay LOL. Ice cream and waffles are pretty much my staple food now. Need my weekly dosage or I go pretty whack. Ah as I look through my photos I want to cry (': 

If I can say so myself, I think my recovery was pretty fun. I got to try so many new foods, foods that I never thought I'd love, went to places I would have never bothered to, loved every second I was with my dear ones. Convincing myself that I'd rather spend money on food than on seeing the doctor. Suddenly remembering my 8 day ice cream streak(4 days of consecutive waffles) LOL I think I was pretty crazy then too, my mum was horrified. But I loved it. So much. And I'm so glad I did it then, because I know even if I want to eat waffles and ice cream everyday now, my doctor wouldn't really approve I think :P "Moderation," she says. 

In many ways, I must really thank my lucky stars for letting me get to know the people who're so important to me now. For being so supportive of me. No matter how many times I thank them, it won't be enough. It's a fact that without them, I wouldn't have been able to achieve this. I'd still be stuck back there. I'd still be scared of everything. Still worried about that number on the scale. Probably still arguing with my mum over portion sizes. Would probably be on supplements, overexercising and be as bald as a bald eagle T_T I think one of the smartest things I was inspired to do was to create a list of places I wanted to go to; to try new foods or rediscover old loves. My list is pretty long, and I'm still adding to it. I guess a list really worked for me because it made me have a purpose to try the food. It gave me a reason to travel to the place to enjoy the food. It gave me an opportunity to challenge myself. Just for the sake of being able to tick off the place from my list. And the excuse for eating it? I'm gaining weight, why not enjoy it?

In no specific order; 

• Mama Patisserie
• Green Pumpkin Bakery
• Petit Provence
• Barcook Bakery
• Baker Talent
• Toss & Turn
• Upper Crust
• Penny Univeristy
• Cedele
• Marmalade Toast
• The fabulous Baker Boy
• Real Foods
• Veganburg
• Tori King
• Tamoya Udon
• Pecori Japanese Egg Restaurant
• Sin Min Roti Prata
• Azabu Sabo
• Brownice
• Tom's Palette
• Merely Ice Cream
• Milk & Honey Gelato
• The Daily Scoop
• Scoopz
• Salted Caramel
• Haato & Co

This is about half my list of the places that I went to try during recovery, many were from friend's recommendations, but I thoroughly enjoyed hopping around these places, renewing my love for food, discovering what I'd missed out on for nearly a year, rewarding my body with the nutrients it deserved. I also had the privilege of getting to be the guinea pig for my friend's bakes, which I must say have never disappointed me even once, and always leave me wanting more. Thank you so much girls. You know who you are and I love you all a lot <3 

OH BTW. The photo from my lowest? I still have the pair of shorts and shirt that I was wearing then. And I can still wear them now. Even after gaining xx kg, yes. Tighter, definitely. But I think it says something about all of ED's stupid thoughts about fats growing and multiplying and what not, no? Hair has been growing, nails aren't yellow, no more protruding bones, no more irregular heart beats, no breathlessness, muscles don't cry out when I exercise, hmm, all perks here? Now just waiting for my monthlies to return and I'm good to go ^^ 

I've actually wondered before if I'll ever stop using my current recovery IG account once I'm "recovered". After all, that account was created for the sake of accounting my recovery process, to post the food I ate, that was it's main purpose since it's beginning. But now, it's become more of a "I post when I eat good food" kind of thing haha. And I've met people and have an amazing support network there. So no, I currently have no intention of ever abandoning my happy cow account heh. I'm gonna remain a happy cow forever (: please tolerate my poorly edited photos and boring captions heh.

Recently, I sometimes have sudden lapses where I wonder if I've actually had an ED before. If maybe I've actually been normal all this time. Because what I'm doing, what I'm eating, actually feels like the pre-ed me. But those moments are merely glimpses, the next moment I remember all the challenges, all the thoughts. The little monster still exists somewhere in my head. Sometimes its stronger than it should be. Sometimes it tries to break open its cage. But I've locked the door of the cage and thrown the key away. I wonder how it got into my head in the first place. How it managed to sneak in and take over my life, even just for that period of time. I may not be completely normal now, and may never be able to be fully normal ever again. But that's fine. I'll just accept my new normal. This is who I've become. I can never become that old Vivien again who was able to down an upsized double cheeseburger with shaker fries, a large coke and 3 packets of BBQ and curry and sweet and sour sauce. Okay yeah I was a monster too HAHA but now, even though I don't crave for fast food anymore, I'm still able to enjoy what I eat. Eat what I want, eat what I crave, eat what I love. Because I can. Because I want to. Who is to tell us what is normal? I think I'm doing okay now, so I'm just going to keep moving forward.

This isn't the end yet. I'm still waiting. And I'm still going to keep supporting anyone who needs my help. LOL more than once I've been told I'm scary. And I really apologize for that. I guess its just like how a normal person tries to relate to us. It's impossible really. They don't understand our thoughts, they don't see us as we see ourselves. The frustration on both sides lingers strongly, and more often than not the normal person gives up. ED makes one stubborn. But until I get my point through to your head, I think I'll just keep being fierce. Not gonna give up on anyone. The sudden increase in ed cases have been scary :/ more and more each day....it needs to be stopped :< LOL girl with a mission. Jk. 

Anyway, don't be scared of reaching healthy weight. Weight is just a number. It doesn't say anything about who you are. It doesn't say anything about your personality, your character, your life. Being skinny doesn't necessarily mean more beauty. If it compromises my health, I think I'd rather be healthy anytime. Don't let that number dictate who you are. And don't be afraid. Because there're people who've been through what you're going through. And there are people who've reached that goal already and are perfectly fine. 

Live to eat, not eat to live (: 

Abruptly ending this post because I think I'm naggy and cos I'm hungry again poooo byeeee time to nom nom. Happy 14th (: