Irrational thoughts

Still my favourite bread from Olio Bakery. Pistachio is the bomb.

Hi everyone!! Sorry for not posting for so long *.* I was having a blogger's block lol. Not that I really know how to phrase this post out well, but I'm just gonna type out what's in my head for now (: 

Its adorable. Its like. My pistachio bun has a beak and legs and a tail. IT CAN FLY. 

I've recently started working at a bakery! It's really, really fun and I've been enjoying myself from day 1 (: The people there are all so nice, so it makes me feel really at home whenever I'm there (:

There's a few perks working at this bakery: Firstly, I get to eat whatever bread/cake/muffin/pastry/food I want when I'm there. Literally whenever I'm hungry, I can grab anything I feel like and just munch on it. 

Curry sauce french loaf, double baked into a biscuit

I really made full use of that. I shamelessly took anything I felt like whenever I felt peckish, munching to my heart's content. 

Milled flaxseed bun. My second most favourite bread from here (:

Secondly, I get to be the taste tester for bread experiments. For example, whenever the baker was trying out some new recipe, I could try his creations and give him feedback.

Curry bun. Skin is flavoured with curry powder and toasted black sesame seeds, while the inside is filled with a curry potato filling. IT EEZ SPICY. I LIKEY. 

I know I'll have many more breads to try with time to come. I've even tried giving flavour suggestions so hmm xD we'll see what comes out (: 

Thirdly, I get to bring home what extras cannot be packed. For example, if all the madeleins have been packed and there are extras that can't be made into another packet, I get to finish them (:

Matcha almond madeleins. Its like I couldn't identify the nut in there. Now I finally know LOL. Matcha taste was significant in here but pooo undefined madeleins. :(

Crispy hazelnut cake sticks, whatever these are, they are good. It like...a sweet biscuit. Its so crispy. But its not chewy like a biscuit. Its just....crispy. It's an interesting creation that's worth a try(:     

I got to try scones, mini buns, sliced breads, cakes.....

Pistachio biscotti!!! I LOVE BISCOTTI. If I ever baked it myself, I think I would just devour the entire tray by myself. Its the most genius thing ever created.

And last but not least, I get to bring home whatever bread is left at the end of the day!!!! This is the best part really. I mean this means: FREE BREAD. My heart leaps at the word free. LOL. Free anything. This is how cheapskate I am seriously. 

I used to rave about this black sesame bun but I think I'm officially sesame-ed out xD I literally ate this everyday when I worked there HAHAHA.

Matcha Adzuki muffin (:

Blueberry muffin. I was originally quite shocked they used dried blueberries. I've never liked dried fruits so it got to me abit.

Carrot walnut muffin. Filled with tons and tons of carrot zest and sudden burst of crunchy walnut bits!!! I loved this but idk why they stopped making it ): 

Rock melon bun (: Sweet and salty (:

Cranberry cream cheese. In terms of how stuffed it is with filling, Barcook wins. But idk...I feel like the flavours are comparable so I like (: Or maybe its just my general liking to cream cheese LOL

Salty egg yolk bun (: This is good, really really good. The only drawback is that it doesn't flow, but ohwell they never said it would flow so I'm not disappointed or anything (: Another favourite (:

ANPAN. AND ANPAN MEANS RED BEAN FILLING GUYS. AHHAHA I had so many customers not buying the 'Anpan bun' because they assumed there was no filling inside. IT MEANS RED BEAN. And I love this. Though the filling can't compare to Mama's, its still pretty good (: Red bean anything.

So yes, as you can see, I've tried A LOT of bread. I've tried more but I don't take pictures of everything now so....yeah there's more. Right now, you may be thinking "Wow, she's so lucky" or "She seems to really be enjoying herself" or maybe to the more negative side, "Holy she's eating so much." Well let's just say, my mind and thoughts went from the first comment, and degraded to the last comment. What do I mean? You thought I was enjoying myself? I was. Until it became too much.

When I first started working at the bakery, I was in bread haven. If you know me, or follow my Instagram, I think you would know I really, really love bread. I can eat it all day, everyday. When this opportunity was presented to me, I leaped in pure joy and knew I would have the time of my life trying out everything I wanted; for free. On the first few days of work, I eagerly brought home bagfuls of bread, excited to try out everything. And I did. I devoured breads for breakfast, lunch, snack.....nearly every meal was just bread. Loads and loads of bread. I have this bad mindset: I hate seeing food being wasted. Thus, seeing the leftover bread at night being thrown away really broke my heart; it made me want to 'save them' from being wasted, leading to me trying to grab as many as I could every night, despite knowing that I wouldn't be able to finish, or despite knowing that there was still bread at home. You may call this greed. You may call this stupid. I don't know why I'm like that either :/ Its a bad habit, a bad way of thinking. But I did it.

On one of the first few days of work, I remember I was had 4 new breads I wanted to try. Anpan, hazelnut bun, white lotus paste bun, and black sesame bun. I ate 4 of those for breakfast. All in one meal. Thinking back to that day, I really don't know what I was doing. And after that, although I wasn't hungry anymore, I didn't feel full. So I continued on and went to take more biscuits to munch on. People may not regard this amount as a binge, but now that I think of it, it probably was. I wasn't even thinking when I went to grab so much food to eat. I asked myself: "Are you still hungry?" And before I even thought about it for a minute, I was just like "Ah hell, I'm just gonna eat more." I regretted it after that. It felt like a binge.

That wasn't the only incident, of course. I wasn't able to control myself, and such incidents went on for days. A week into working there, the thoughts began to hammer its way into my head, self-hatred grew, the thoughts of becoming a binge eater taunted me, terrified me. I was really helpless, not knowing what to do. It was a couple of bad days.

You know that feeling where you just want to sleep forever, maybe sit in a corner, just being alone, not having to think? I wanted that. I hadn't felt so down in such a long time. I felt as though I was going backwards, not into AN though, but more towards the side of binging. I didn't want to go there, and yet I didn't know what to do. It was me fighting against a monster all over again. This time it wasn't a skeleton, but I foresaw myself becoming overweight again like how I used to be back in the past, or become a bp. I couldn't deal with that. At that point in time, I felt like I only had two options: Restrict, or become a bp. CHOOSE. It felt that way. I didn't want to be either.

Thank goodness for a few friends, precious friends, people whom I really trusted, I finally let go of these thoughts to myself and told them my troubles. It felt good to let go of these emotions building up inside, and yet another part of me worried. Would they judge me? Would they think I was pathetic and just not want to have anything to do with me? Fortunately not. They helped me so much. I don't know how to thank them, it won't ever be enough. They saved me, in that sense. Sounds dramatic but that's the reality of it. They saved me from going back to a very dark place.

I'm okay now, better than before at least. I can control my portions now, and know when to stop when I feel full and satiated. I don't have tendencies or urges to overeat, and I feel better going around with a happy, satisfied tummy. I'm glad it worked out, and now at work I'm able to control how much bread I bring home, how much I snack on.

The most helpful advice? "The food will always be there. You don't have to eat it today. You can have it tomorrow, the day after, next time. You don't have to force yourself to eat it if you're already full."

I always knew that, I guess. But it never really clicked into my mind. Like, I didn't want to accept it. It was just, "No, no, eat. Or you won't be able to have it again." Such a warped, twisted mind of mine. I'm fearful still. But I'm going to be careful.

Another really, really bad experience was when I received a really hurting comment. I don't want to relieve this memory but it really affected me badly. It was piercing, shot straight through me like bullet, killed me in one shot. I broke down every time I thought about it, and I just didn't want to have anything to do with recovery anymore. I wanted to restrict, starve, well I probably could have died without giving a shit. But that comment jolted me, woke me up. It made me realise that I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was. It made me realise that I was spiraling out of control, that I had to wake up from this dream and get back on track. At that moment, I really wanted to give up everything. Hmm but maybe now I should thank the person for getting me back on track. Thanks for giving me that wake up call. Even though you did it in a pretty harsh manner.

I've been having thoughts of deleting my current account, as in happycowsmooo. I feel its....lost its original purpose? It started out as a food blog really, for me to keep track of what I ate. But as time passed, it lost that value, I realised that taking photos of food was not everything, that I didn't have to show people that I ate "oh so much" or "oh I challenged something new today"; It just suddenly lost its importance. Its main purpose now is more of....looking at what people eat/make? HAHA. Even though I still do post stuff there but...its not even nice(my photos I mean) and I don't bake like WHOOPA stuff that deserve much attention. Hence....I'm undecided. Not that its important here, of course. Just saying Haha.

Maybe its because having two separate two accounts makes me feel like I have two different identities. One is the normal Vivien, the one 'without' ed(ie my normal friends who don't know I have an ed), while the other is the girl haunted by an eating disorder, hiding behind the face of a screen(Or a phone lol), whose mind is pretty much just consumed by thoughts of food. Truly, I feel like I'm living two separate lives. Its tiresome, this ed life. And part of me, the normal part, just wants to delete it, get rid of it, forget it, move on and live a normal life with my normal friends. But I don't know why the other half doesn't really want to let go, as though I'll be forgetting a very important part of my life. Like the friends I made during ed. I'm not saying I used my ed to make friends, but having an ed allowed me to meet people who are so important in my life now. And a part of me just isn't ready to let go of that.

Hence the name of this post; irrational thoughts. That's all that fills my mind. Meaningless, fleeting thoughts that don't add up, have no start or end, stupid worries that should easily be solved and yet I spend so much time thinking deep into them. I'm tired, I guess. Really really tired. And I want to be free.

Its not the end result that matters the most. Its the journey that counts.