SICK CLOTHES

HI this is a 'I'm-bored-so-I'm-just-gonna-ramble' kinda post... mainly about how I just cleared like half my wardrobe of all my so called 'sick clothes'.



I think I shopped too much during my lower weight period, cos I pretty much grew out of many of them xD like literally while wearing one of my favourite shorts, I realised I simply couldn't fit into them anymore. It was quite sad, having to pass on my favourite pair of shorts. That's when I realised I should clear the rest of my clothes too, sort them out. I think I've held onto these 'sick clothes' for too long. It was like holding onto a piece of my past that I didn't want to forget, that I didn't want to let go of. It was holding onto the fact that I could actually be that size. But it's not the right size, I'll put it that way. I can't be that size if I want to be healthy, at least that's what I believe. Perhaps I didn't want to leave that time. I didn't want to be bigger. Maybe that's how I still think. But everything has an ending, and the time to let go of this horrid past is long overdue. I have to learn to let go, and embrace my present self. Accept who I am now, and who I will be. Although its hard to change my mindset, the one that thinks size determines everything, everyone tells me differently. So I have to stop lying to myself too, yeah? I need to believe, and keep reminding myself that this is for the best.

I get affected by how I fit in my clothes, more than anything else. I know of people who are like this too. "Oh no, this pair of shorts are tighter than before..." "Oh gosh, there are bulges spilling out from my waist" Blahblah, all that babble. SICK CLOTHES. NONSENSE. DONATE IT AWAY. SELL IT. HECK BURN IT. Just stop thinking that you have to fit into those clothes. I don't know how many times I have to repeat this, and as hard as I'm trying to convince myself to believe this as well, size DOES NOT dictate who we are. Those diets you hear of? ABC? Atkins? South Beach, Raw food, Weight watchers....I really don't know how many there are. So many. All rubbish. Only spells B A D N E W S. That's what I feel. Don't diet. The internet only tells us the "good" of going on diets. But have you ever tried googling "bad effects of dieting"? Hmm. Just because your clothes are getting tighter is not necessarily a bad thing. It's a really good excuse to go shopping!!! ^^ speaking of shopping, its about time I did some too..(: i guess why im so against dieting is because I have that fear. A fear of a diet gone wrong. That's exactly what happened to me. And once you go over, its not the easiest task to just come back. The obesssiveness of weight loss, the wanting to look skinny, the habits that have become stuck. Before you know it, bam it becomes an ED.

I wish size didn't matter. Let's all dress in rags and go. Life would be easier wouldn't it, not caring about image.

Have you ever feared death? I know I have. At my worst periods, I used to think of disappearing. Yet there was always a fear of leaving. I don't want to die, not yet. There's still so much for me left to explore. Really, the thoughts in my head...I scare myself sometimes at my own absurdity. But I know one thing for sure, that I need to stop harping on all the negatives in my life, get a move on, and start appreciating the things and people I have. Otherwise, they'll disappear too.

A couple of events happened over the past few days, that made me have this sudden burst of heartfelt gratefulness towards my life. Although I messed up my own life, I realised there are still people who haven't given up on me. And I guess for the first time in forever, I sincerely believed I was loved; that people weren't saying it just for the sake of saying it. Half the time, I feel people feel obliged to say nice things to me lol. But truly, my eyes seemed to have open wider, to see those who are true and those who aren't. Though I'm not in a position to judge, there's always that gut feel you know? That feeling you get when you know you can trust someone and know they'll be there for you no matter what.

Everyone has insecurities, and I sometimes wonder how people cope with them. I'm not so fantastic at doing that, but I'm working on it. Don't think so much. Don't worry too much. Don't listen. When you're filled with bad thoughts, my best advice is to shut down. Like go to sleep. Sleeping is pretty much 1/2 my life now, I find sleep my best source of escape when I'm just too tired/lazy/stressed to think. Even having nightmares are better than having to deal with the thoughts, imo.

Don't listen. The voices are lies. You know what's best for you. You know what's the right thing to do. Don't do otherwise just to please the voice. Incredibly tiring as it is, there's a limit to how much you can give into it. Keep letting it have its way, and soon it'll be demanding more and more from you. Sometimes you may think you'd rather give into it than fight and create a drama. But there's a need to prioritise!! Like hello, choose recovery. Don't choose the easy way out. You're probably thinking I'm making it sound easier than it is. I know its easier said than done. But there are so many living role models to follow who have showed me its possible. Jiajia, Hazel, Kangxing, and so many more. And there are those who are so close to healthy weight, and are fighting their hearts out to reach their goal. These people never cease to amaze me. They make me believe that recovery is truly possible. They show me that it is possible to beat that monster out of our heads and give it a good wallop. They have proved that this sick disease of the mind, doesn't deserve a place in their lives, in any of ours. And if that isn't good enough motivation to go on, I'm sorry but I don't know what else is.

I wholly agree with my friend when she says she's tired. Hell, I'm pooped. But you know what? I think reaching healthy weight is the best thing that's happened to me in recovery. I got to stop my psychologist appointments(huge plus factor), now I only have to see the doctor once a month or even less, I get to eat as and when I want(of course still 3 main meals min with all portions, and I usually have more than one snack)---which proves that the body knows how to regulate itself after reaching healthy weight, and you won't continue gaining despite eating the same amount.

I end this post abruptly cos I'm gonna sleep but....stay strong guys <3 I'll be back hahaha

Sweet dreams, and every night I go to bed praying that the next day I'll wake up with some red. Haha.