The ghost of the past

Hellooooo how has everyone been doing (: Been okay.... rushing with exams which are fast approaching in less than a week's time >( Doing this out of boredom but still....
I was recently asked this question and given the following options:
4) Please select your current status:

1.I currently suffer from an ED and am hospitalized.
2.I currently suffer from an ED and need to go to the hospital for regular checkups/ seek
for psychiatric support /follow meal plans.
3. I used to suffer from an ED but have experienced relapses within the past 5 years.
4. I used to suffer from an ED with no relapses for the past 5 years.

(To the person has asked, no offence intended at all!)

The problem with this question was that it left me stumped. It left me wondering: is it ever possible to say "I used to suffer from an ED"? Is it possible to define it? Am I deemed as having an ED if I show symptoms of what a person with an ED would do? It was then that I began thinking that in reality, how people without a disorder could really only understand a person with a disorder to that certain small extent. How little we know about this monster, this alien whereby each is unique in its own way, that even the most similar has its own special pet peeves and habits. Am I deemed of ED-free if I no longer have fear foods? Am I deemed of having an ED if I don't like eating fast food anymore? What I really hate? When I really don't crave a certain food anymore, and when I really don't want to eat it, people assume I don't want to eat it because I am scared. I've seen it in more than just a few people; the fact that our taste buds really change during, or after this whole phase. It's probably because of the food we eat during our restriction period? I no longer crave or long for sweets, chips, popcorn, etc. My mouth no longer waters when I walk past a doughnut shop. My hand doesn't instinctively grab out at sweets/snacks when I walk through the aisles of a supermarket. My stomach literally groans in disagreement when my friends suggest fast food. OH. My entire body cringes and practically shoves away from Yong tau foo and sliced fish bee hoon soup when I see it in food courts now. ED food lol. I call that....sick food lol. I'm likely never to touch it ever again unless I crave it (':

Recently, I've also been seeing this sharp spike lack of self-confidence. In myself too, definitely. "I need to be better" "I want to be as good as her" "I wish I could take photos as well as her" "I wish I was as pretty as her" "I wish I was blah blah blah xxx"

I think we need to learn to stop comparing. Accept yourself for who you are. Don't try to be someone you aren't (: Yes, we can definitely be better. But its...strange to think of wanting to be that person. Being envious, jealous...that's perfectly normal. I don't know what I'm good at. Pretty much nothing. I, too, wish I could be even one quarter as good as my friends at baking. I wished I could take pretty photos like my friends that didn't need to even be edited or filtered. I wish, I wish, I wish. But I know wishes don't just come true just by continuously wishing. There's no wishing well, no wishing wand. Maybe I'm just hoping for a miracle. But maybe it's time to stop trying to be someone I'm not. Call it giving up, I call it stop wasting my time. I've always been the person who sees a half cup as empty. Maybe one day I'll see it as full? I hope it'll happen (:

It gets tiring, doesn't it? Fighting with that monster in your brain. Arguing, back and forth, and in the end you just give up. Its easier to give up, to concede to its demands, to feel 'better' about yourself. Isn't it?

WRONG.

Everyone has fears. Everyone has their weak moments. When you feel like stopping, but you don't, you immediately get stronger than you already are. (Yes I got the quote from somewhere idk where LOL)

Picture yourself already at healthy weight, and yet the thoughts are still cloyingly strong. They will you to go back. It's trying to lure you, tempt you. And for a minute, the idea doesn't seem so bad. To be as skinny as that time, to have a sense of control that you used to have, that seems to be dissipating with each waking moment. It feels like a relapse.

THINK about how hard it took you to get to where you are now. REMEMBER all the trouble you put yourself through, all the extra effort you had to put in. RECALL those meals where you were full as a snorlax(if you don't play pokemon you have no childhood :<) and yet had to force down that extra snack as part of your meal plan. REMINISCE the occasions where you challenged yourself to a fear food and discovered how much you missed and still loved the food, and that it still tastes as good as you remember. Hold on to those moments when you felt invincible, when you felt like you just wanted to give ED a slap in the face. Repeat those thoughts where you just wanted to smack yourself for going to far. "WHAT WAS I THINKING" "WHY DID I DO THIS" "WHY WAS I SO STUPID" "IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME" ----yeah, those are the thoughts you want (: All of a sudden, the thoughts of going back to those sickly, skeletal times doesn't seem so appealing anymore. In fact, you suddenly feel a burst of joy at the freedom you have now, and happily skip to the kitchen and grab some of your favourite food and start chewing on them.

Seriously does such a situation only happen to me T.T Yeah I just repeated a scenario in my head HAHAHA its what happens when I start having thoughts. It works for me (; I don't ever wanna go back to that time, NEVER. Give me a billion dollars I WILL STILL REFUSE.

So the point I wanted to show? Let go of that ghost. Those memories of the past? Erase them (: For me, I stored them as photos. "Clean", "healthified" recipes, "fitspo" pictures, 'progress' pictures. DELETE DELETE DELETE. You don't need nor want those memories to be haunting you. And you don't ever want to be in that stage ever again.

I always wonder what goes through the heads of pro-ED people. Someone enlighten me. What do they see in that life of misery? I will never understand, nor do I want to. Like a fellow friend said: "Pro-ED people should just go hug a cactus" well phrased :D a tad too mean but err? *nods head in approval* I see a life of torture. Control. Conflicts. Ageing. Dying. Death. Happiness? Hmm. Maybe only for that monster in their heads. OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLEEEEEEEEE. OPEN THEM WIDEEEEEEEEEE.

Now, The Wait. It's all I'm waiting for. I'm so envious of guys for not having periods. I'm so envious of girls who have their periods. Don't complain about cramps ladies. I WANT THEM. Don't complain about monthlies. I NEED THEM. PLEASE COME BACK SOON COME ON UTERINE LINING FASTER SHED TSK

I cannot express my impatience at wanting it to come back. My mum says stress causes it to not come back so fast GAH. 6-12 months is way too long DDDDDDDD:

Okay don't be anxious...don't be anxious....maybe I should try reverse psychology? HAHA. Maybe it works. Hope it doesn't come back and maybe it will. Hmm.....

Bits and pieces of what's on my mind. It's all floating around my head~~~ I miss VBPC )))): Even though I'm seeing them tomorrow. Heh. Have a great Hari Raya Haji/ public holiday everyone!!!

MOOOOOOO I love my new twitter background HAHAH byeeee