Don Quijote~

HELLOOOOO How has everyone been? ((: Sorry I've been away for so long, I've been busy with O levels, thank gosh their finally coming to an end (: It's been a whirlwind of events and I can't believe it flew past so quickly 0.0 I can't wait to take a good break before the studying resumes again. So tired of studying already >(
There was one challenge that really caused me to stumble during O's; stress. It wasn't just exam stress in general, but throwing in food, BBI, arguing with parents, lack of sleep, drama, etc...yeah it was pretty hectic. Never been good at handling stress, even before ED, but ever since, it seems to have just amplified. Not a good thing. It tends to push me to extreme ends, hence I always seem to go to the back end during exams. I still haven't found a way to counter stress yet-it's probably my most vulnerable time, when thoughts are always overwhelming, when emotions overflow, when it always seems easier to give in. Forever being too tired to fight back.

After reaching healthy weight, it seems like there's always this internal war in my head, arguing whether I should go back, whether I'm going too much forward. Its always the same thoughts really and I get terribly sick of the same cycle of thoughts repeating over and over. If each ED case is unique pertaining to the victim, I would say my weakness is getting bad body images. Even though my fears of food have mostly been settled, just one look at my reflection can cause me to get really worked up, thinking I'm not worth recovery, thinking of just going backwards.

Honestly if people really knew the thoughts that went through my mind. Horrific lol. I think I'll have to see a psychologist(which doesn't help at all) for life ._____.

I had a friend say this recently: "I wish I was in the state of 'anorexic in recovery' so I could eat anything I want." I raged. Like 101% expletives. I mean, you don't ENVY a person suffering from an eating disorder. THERE'S A DAMN REASON WHY ITS CALLED AN EATING DISORDER; AN ILLNESS. People think that recovery is fun? That its enjoyable? They really think that we eat all the time, eat anything we want, without any guilt, without any thoughts? They think that recovery is so smooth sailing? I beg to differ. Hell. Normal people, it seems, will NEVER understand what its like, lucky for them. Its so incredibly frustrating when people think that we 'just have to keep eating'. LIKE HELLO? At the start of my recovery, I was so strict with my diet that even eating a spoon of rice could result in a cacophony in my head. To even touch so drink a cup of milk, made me feel that I was going to gain 5kg in a day. People who think that they want to be 'in recovery' just so that they can eat anything they want, they are sadly, very mistaken. Although yes, there are definitely people who can eat anything they wish without feeling even a pinch, there are sadly more people who are UNABLE to eat anything they want because of the fear, the guilt. I wanted to tell her that if she was an anorexic in recovery, she would probably be starving herself half to death. Yes, I know that recovery is possible. But initially? Right at the start is always the hardest, when you have to release yourself from the boundaries you've set. When you start learning to be friends with food again. Maybe its just me, but no it wasn't easy. It took me MONTHS just to be able to eat a bowl of rice again, and having to maintain it that way was actually torturous, although it got easier much later.

When seeing a doctor/dietitian/psychologist, tbh unless the person was previously a sufferer of the disorder as well, I have never thought that they would be able to help me in any way. A normal person isn't able to understand the way we think, unable to relate. Yes, there may be a few rare cases. But who would be the few lucky ones to get involved with someone who can really understand what you are going through? It's partially why seeing a psychologist never helped me, because I was never able to pour my heart out to her. What was the point of telling her my problems if she was unable to relate to me, and all she could tell me was meaningless 'advice' that even I could tell myself?

I'm not saying that seeing a doctor/psychologist isn't worth it. I'm saying that in my case, it didn't help me. Everyone is different, everyone is special. What didn't work for me doesn't mean it won't work for you too! That's why you never know until you try. And trying is DEFINITELY better than leaving the problem alone to develop and worsen.

I'm honestly glad that I managed to go through recovery. I'm glad that I didn't stay in that dark hole, in that horrid place. Although I still have many worries now, I think its great that I'm at least not fearful of most foods.

I honestly admire those who managed to overcome their eating disorders themselves, as in those who never had to see a doctor to recover. I would never have been able to do it without a doctor. Before I was sent to see a doctor, my school tried to get me to start eating normally again, i.e start introducing carbs into my diet again, to start eating normally. My school nutritionist monitored me weekly and gave me a meal plan that she thought would be suitable for me. I still remember; bread with spread for breakfast and milk, eat at least half a bowl of carbs during main meals, and have bread for pre-training snacks. So ironic, isn't it? It's pretty much the same as what my dietitian at SGH gave me. The only difference was I refused to follow my school's nutritionists' advice. Why? Hmm. Naturally rebellious? Unable to accept the fact that I needed those nutrients? Hence I continued as normal, carb-less, veggies and fruits all day, 20 apples a day, training twice a day...I liked the fact that I was getting skinnier. For the first time in my life, I felt I knew what it was like to finally be skinny. I've never been the skinny girl, unless you're counting me at 8 years old. After that was pretty much just severely overweight. Being called skinny felt good. That's how an eating disorder develops. Hmm.

I guess I miss being called skinny. No one calls me that now. Now I'm more to the average to above average kind of size I think? But sigh I have to accept the fact that this is healthy weight. There's a reason why its called healthy weight. If my periods came back soon, I'll finally be free from my constraints really T.T feel so stressed thinking I'll never be bloodied again haha.

Living by this now HAHA. Who needs a thigh gap lolol not having a thigh gap saved my phone from falling into the toilet ^^

Onto happier things, my relatives gave us a treat at this atas restaurant at Dempsey Hill(automatically stereotyping anything there as high class and expensive). It was a lunch buffet BUT WHY ARE ATAS PORTIONS SO SMALL?!!!! I felt so embarrassed when I had to keep asking for more portions-.-

We went to Don Quijote, a Spanish Tapas-style restaurant. It was a buffet but you had to place orders and they would serve you cos everything's cooked fresh on the spot(:

We tried everything on the menu hahaha thanks to the waiter's recommendations :>

Starter was hot, pillowy, fluffy bread with some butter-something spread that went amazing together. I loved their buns ^.^

Russian Salad, basically mixed greens with tuna mayo :3 now you know what Russian salad is. Really fresh!!!

Mixed vegetable stew that I thought was pumpkin at first and was so disappointed when I found out it was bell peppers :*

Potato wedges with tomato sauce :3

oven-baked eggplant! SO GOOD. Topped with salsa, except its hot :p

Hot chicken stew. Omg this was so good. The chicken was as tender as Tori King's, and theirs is the BEST. This is so good, exactly like it except Western version? Hehe had 3 of this I loved itttt

Garlic-fried mushrooms that many reviews had raved about, but we didn't find it particularly special. Meh.

Shrimp wrapped in bacon! Good but bacon was horridly salty -.-

THIS WAS GOOD. Rice, bacon wrapped in cabbage!!! Such an interesting combination haha its like a nyonya dumpling ;D

Fried chicken wings with tomato sauce. I realise they like to use tomato sauce hurhur

Asparagus wrapped in bacon. Hated the bacon aftertaste blehhhhhhh

Shrimps! NOW THIS WAS GOOD. 

CROQUETTES NOMNOM :3

Meatballs with tomato paste hahah my brother devoured like 3 plates of this omg that is horrifyingly 12 meatballs

Scrambled eggs with shrimp and leek! Had two casseroles of this and later on got super anxious when I found out it had butter but AHA IT WAS SO GOOD SO I DIDN'T CARE

Cream of pumpkin soup! Meh can be better xD

Crab, avocado and shrimp(?) made into a dip and served with crispy bread!! My favourite dish of the meal I had most of this (: the crab was most prominent and amazinggggg

Orange cheesecake!!! LOVE THE ZEST AND THE FLAVOUR AND EVERYTHING THE CRUST ASDFGHJKL had 3 of this too!! Finally got my cheesecake craving settled heh :*

Bread and butter pudding which was amazing, dense, thick and melt in the mouth. I'm so glad I tried this haha, although the thought of butter scared me at first *.*

Okay yum it was a really good meal. But the small portions made me look greedy cos I kept ordering haha. And I wasn't TOTALLY full after the meal but I didn't dare to say anything cos I was scared it would be shocking to the rest of the family seeing as I ate the most LOL. Oh wells. I'll go back again if someone treats again xD Their ala carte menu looks so good, but expensive :X Apparently most famous for their paella but we didn't manage to try cos it wasn't on the brunch buffet menu! Oh this was more like lunch LOL since all of us had breakfast xD so good. I miss it already ): Why is European food so nice hehe

SEEEEE this is why recovery is worth it. All the good food! I went for a wedding dinner too and ate everything served to me so that was pretty good ((: when I have restrictive thoughts I always remind myself there's no reason not to eat. I mean, the food is there, right in front of you. Seeing it being thrown away, isn't that sad? Like really, millions are starving and here you are being picky with food? Think of those pro-ana people, pro-whatever; starving themselves thinking they look really good. I kinda feel sad for these people. Their missing out on so much. And just tell yourself that their jealous that you can eat all the good food and be happy while there they are, half dead, snail paced metabolism, half bald, weakened immune systems...brrr. No thanks. 

the problem with many girls these days. It always goes too far :/ 

I pray that the number of cases will reduce... people deserve to eat happily. Even when 

I hear people saying: "just had a damn fattening meal, need to go exercise" it worries me. Is it normal? During recovery, we are taught that we don't need to 'deserve' to eat. And I firmly believe it. So why is it that normal people say such things? It's too contradictory, too confusing. "Is she ED?" 

People really... don't envy people in recovery getting to eat anything they want, cos that may not always be the case. Be glad that you can eat anything you want freely.Without the thoughts. Without the worries. Be glad you're normal. Appreciate it. Live it. Continue being normal. And don't ever wish to have an eating disorder.