Time passed so quickly didn't it (: It's 2014 (: A year and two months since that day.
Every year, I made New Year resolutions, a whole list, promising myself I would accomplish it and make the year a good one. And every year, "losing xx kilos, reach my goal weight" would never fail to be somewhere inside that list. For the first time in godzilla years, that resolution isn't on my list. It probably won't be for some time to come, anyway. That time is...way past me. If there's one important lesson I've learnt in 2013, it's that I don't live to try and please society.I live for myself. There's so much more to life than numbers, food, obsession, OCD. No longer at a point where food consumes my every thought, where I spent every waking moment worrying what my next meal would be, how I would try to escape carbs, high calorie foods. I've grown the past year. Physically, mentally.
Best meal in Japan was probably here-Gyoza no osho. Pan-fried gyozas, mui fan style rice, fried rice, xlb....a year a ago a meal like this would have scared me, made me cry, run out of the restaurant fuming at my family. This time? Had a whole plate of gyozas to myself, savored each dish. It was a really good meal (: My mum made a deal with me for this Japan trip: We could only go if I was weight restored. I remember when she first made this offer, my first thought was 'that's impossible. I'll go to Japan, THEN eat all the good food and gain.' What a joke. It was impossible to make such an impossible thought come true, and I'm so glad I didn't choose to follow that route (: Managed to enjoy such great food this year, met such great people, I am truly blessed (": I've said it countless times anyway (: 2013 was a pretty good year for me. I guess I managed to accomplish everything I wanted to do; recover mainly.Still have things to do but its pretty much a biggie accomplishment for me (:
As of now, I only have one resolution for 2014. It's a big resolution, probably over-ambitious, but I want to make it happen. My resolution is short and sweet- To live each day to its fullest. Sounds like a really huge wish as I say it to myself now. To others, it may sound vague, too easy. We're the ones who determine if each day ends off good or bad. We make the decisions, think the thoughts that carve the path as to whether the day will continue being shitty, or make a turn for the better. We choose if we want to continue throwing a tantrum, or let go of the matter and choose to focus on the happier things. I'm sick of always seeing the half cup as empty. I'm probably a pessimist, and I don't know if this is something I can change; the way I decide to view things, the way I decide to handle situations, learning to control my mood swings, I don't want it to be so negative anymore. I look at pictures/posts/how optimists live each day, and I get really envious. How do they look at everything so positively? How do they move on from one matter to the next so quickly like it didn't matter? I yearn to be like that, to always be able to wear a happy smile on my face, to actually mean everything, or at least most of what I say. It's not something I can change overnight. But this isn't impossible (: I'm glad I have positive people around me now that can push me to keep fighting my thoughts, to truly believe that I can make everyday worthwhile.
Life is too short. Before you know it, another year has passed. Will every year fly past just as quickly as 2013 did? I feel that as the years go by, they start passing faster and faster. The days just flip by, and on so many occasions, I've felt sadness for not making the day as productive as it could have been. Maybe I'm asking for too much. It's high time I started appreciating what I had too, instead of always asking for more. Thanking Him for everything, thanking my family, thanking my dear friends.
I mean, I still feel a small part of ED in me, sometimes creeping up to me without me realising, making me do things that are very ed related unconsciously. I know of people who that, and I really can't blame them for that. Old habits die hard, I feel bad habits die harder. It still frustrates me that there can't be an immediate cure for ED. Is it as bad as cancer? Leukemia? Huh....I doubt it. ED is annoyingly stupid, once you open your eyes up and look at it properly. It's honestly so retarded I can't stand it. I can't accept the fact that I wasted my time and my life on this, and honestly still am sometimes. However, like I said, its not something that can just disappear in a day.
I just wish people could understand us better. I wish people wouldn't look at me weirdly when I say I don't like fast food, or judge me if I say I like veggies and fruits. But then again, why should I care what they think? WHO ARE THEY to decide what is fat, what is thin? God didn't give us a guide book stating limits on body size. I used to hate myself for being so big sized, so big boned. I always wanted to be petite, to be able to wear those tiny crop tops and look good. But you know what? Its no use. No matter how long I wish, my bone structure isn't gonna change, even plastic surgery wouldn't help. I'm not gonna wake up one day and have a small body. It's genetically encoded to me. I am who I am. I was born to be this size. I'm not gonna fight it anymore (: I've long since stopped wanting a 'small body'. I won't ask for so much anymore (: why can't everyone just be happy with what they have??
I went for a buffet lunch yesterday. I was fearful at first, wondering if I would overeat, if I would be triggered to purge, if I would have guilty thoughts after that. But y'know what? It turned out great (: Ate till I knew I was really full, not to the extent of wanting to puke. And the best thing? I got to try everything (: For the first freaking time in IDK HOW LONG, I actually went to the salad bar and thought to myself "There's no way I'm gonna fill up my stomach with just veggies" and wow, really ate much lesser veg than ever before. Spammed the seafood, turkey, bbq stingray, etc. Had Indian food, naan and all. There were even pita breads, though not fluffy :X tried most of the desserts and actually only ate half a plate of fruits :O Just listened to what my body REALLY wanted and just took it (: still kinda in awe that I could just walk past the salad bar and actually go like 'yuck' at those raw green leaves. I mean some is good, but too much is really just YUCK. Had enough of stuffing myself with fruits and veggies during ED.
Honestly, binging and purging really scares me. It makes me keep wondering: what am I doing to my body? I wish I could look at some machine to look at what's going on inside my body, to see what my digestive system is like. In the past, there were occasions where purging led me to feeling like my entire stomach was being torn apart, where my throat was burning and scratchy, sometimes I even felt like my teeth were gonna drop off because my gums were so weak. That was when I got really scared, wondering if my body was going to fall apart. Worrying if I would one day cause my teeth to fall out from all the acid burning my gums and be toothless. I've even had nightmares about it before :/ Time and time again I told myself to stop, but there would always be one occasion somewhere which caused me to lose it again. This year will be different.
Was actually intending to post this on 31st Dec 2013 but guess I'm too late! Ohwell, better late than never right (: Here, I'm wishing everyone a Happy New Year, and have a great 2014 ahead! Make it the best year you can (: And although everyone tells me its a shitty motto, I still believe in YOLO hahha. It pushes me to live without regrets (:
I'll make mistakes, I'll have tough times. But I have no choice but to deal with these problems as they appear along the way. Really gonna do my best to be a brighter person (:
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