I always told myself that society was screwed up, that it was too judgmental, that it was unfair. But maybe this entire time, it was really me who was screwed up, the one who was over thinking everything, making every problem seem like it was a drama.
If there's one problem I hate the most, its having friendship/relationship problems. I had thoughts to myself-Why is it that when I care for people I truly love, they don't seem to bother? Is it because they don't understand my intentions? Do they think I'm just nosy? Trying to pick into their business? Trying to suck up to them? I feel like I'm taken for granted. But you know how they say in your darkest moments, that's when you'll know who your true friends are? People come and go. I've gone through enough to know that by now. I guess it's just sad to tell myself "Looks like you were wrong. Looks like the person doesn't care about you at all." Sometimes I look at popular people and get reaaaaally envious, thinking 'That person's so lucky, gets to have so many friends, never have to worry about being alone, about being called a 'loner', doesn't have to go around trying to make friends.' Yet I've heard/seen enough experiences to know that those 'friends' are the ones who leave you in the lurch when you're in trouble, forget about you. Don't need many friends, just the ones who really mean to stay. There'll be some whom I thought would be there for me, but I guess I thought wrong. It's okay (: I'm grateful for those in my life right now, and I would be horribly greedy to ask for more. It's enough (: Gotta cherish what I have, no point forcing things that won't work. I think I watch too much anime that I've expected my life to become as much of a drama as theirs xD
I'm kind of really sick of hating myself. Blaming myself for everything that goes wrong, forcing myself to wear a fake smile doing something I dislike, saying that I deserve this shitty life. I'm sick of being negative. I'm sick of wondering what people think when they look at me, tired of dressing up to suit society, so done with caring for people who obviously don't care. Although I'm not in a position to scold others since I still have such thoughts, I really dislike it when people(including myself) say that they hate their lives/why is their life so shitty/why can't they JUST be happy. I'm just referring to those who say this is a reproachful manner, not knowing how blessed they are, thinking that their lives are drowned in misery when they have so much that they can't see. Some may say this in a suicidal manner, really wanting to end their lives because they 'can't take it anymore'. I know there are really people who are truly lost, who really think that its the end for them, who think that death is the only way out. I wish I could help them. I wish they could see that they don't have to suffer that way. But to those people who just say it cos you're a fucking attention seeker, stop it. Stop being an ingrate. There's so much more to life, why are you only worrying about your damn problems? If everyone is unhappy about every little thing that goes wrong, what would the world be like?
"Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong." no idea where I heard that phrase but I think its damn true. Its especially true for those who KEEP thinking that everything will be bad. I'm just scolding myself by saying this but I'm gonna change (: I don't think there's a point harping on the bad stuff. "What if....I should have....If only...." What's the point blaming myself so much if it isn't going to change anything? Let's love ourselves more^^ I don't really know how to explain but I've been trying to see the good side of things recently rather than the bad. It's been going pretty well, like there's still my downs but I don't spend hours and days regretting the decisions I make anymore. There's more to life, so, so much more. I just wish everyone could see that.
Last year somewhere near my lowest. It was one of those rare outings with my best friend where I was willing to treat myself. Huh what a joke, I obviously skipped a meal just for this 'treat' -.- Now I'm like, oh pancakes? LEGGO
There are days when the voices tell me: "Don't you miss being skinny? Look at you then, you could eat without getting fat. You were happier then. If you had stayed there, you wouldn't have to fight me so hard now."
Yeah, I know how dead I look. I can see that now. My mentality of the body I want is still warped. What I look like now isn't something I want. It isn't something I don't want, either. It's a crazy thinking. Its the fact that I wanted to be skinny. Because I found it unfair that girls could be petite and skinny and fit into all the clothes they wore and still look like a super model. It was the fact that I didn't have any 'assets' to show off, thinking I didn't look good in anything, wanting to be skinnier to be able to fit into a smaller size. I got what I wanted, I got called skinny. I was happy when people called me skinny, even pleased when they said I was 'too skinny'. 'Nonsense!' I would think, no such thing as too skinny. I'm nowhere near there yet.
Dozens of times, I've been told 'YOU ARE NOT FAT.' I wish I could see it. In the picture, I only thought I was skinny, never 'too skinny'. I never focused on the parts that were already stick thin, I could only see the areas where I still had fat and how much I wanted it to go away. I was stupid. I can see what I looked like then right now, I can see I was really beyond a state of normality. I just can't see myself now, how I truly look. I don't know if I'll be able to one day. When people say I'm still slim, I think they say it out of obligation, that's the truth. Even if they mean it, I can't get myself to believe it. I'm sorry. I want to believe it, but I don't know how. I've spent YEARS looking at my reflection, thinking I was fat. The only time I admitted I was skinny was probably in primary 2. But someone taught me that there's more to life than what we look like in the mirror, that's there's much more than body image (: Thank you (: I don't know if I can change the way I see images now but at least I know that I'm not gonna care so much about what people see of me anymore (: Who decided the definition of fat and skinny? People are gonna judge, let them judge. We decide for ourselves who we want to be. And that's who we should be. Ourselves. Not someone created to please society. Because you can never please everyone. And I definitely wasn't born to please others.
"Everyone has a purpose in life, but you aren't born knowing it. That's why we have to look for it."
I saw this girl at the bakery I'm working at one day. The moment she walked in I knew she had an ed :/ It isn't something that needs to be said. All the signs were there; the half-dead eyes, the protruding bones, the wary expression. She walked around the bread, carefully studying each one, reading the description on the tags. She turned to me asking "Is there filling in the pistachio bun?" And when I replied yes, she nodded and stalked out of the bakery immediately. The first thing I could think of was "Poor girl". She was obviously in desperate need of food, it was like an alarm ringing over her head that she needed nutrients, that she could possibly collapse at any moment. Yet there was nothing there she could have eaten, without it condemning her with guilt, the calories, the ingredients, the fear. It was so sad to see, so sad to think of the thoughts running through her head. The numbers. It felt like I was looking at myself when I was way back there. I was probably exactly like her. Looking at food, but not eating it. Smelling, not touching. I wished that I could just put an entire plate of bread in front of her and tell her to eat, tell her that she was gonna die if she continued doing this. I've only seen her twice since then, and both times she barely looked, never bought. I wished I told her that I knew. Told her that she needed help. I hope she's okay. I hope she's better. It isn't really sympathy....its empathy. No one deserves to live with an eating disorder. I'll never understand people who want an ed.
I vividly remember that stage of recovery where I was just "I'll eat, but I won't gain." Sure, you can eat low fat/low cal foods just so you wouldn't gain, but would you really be happy? It's tiring, isn't it. Having an ED is really tiring. Stop fighting. Stop resisting. And eat. Eat whatever you want. Cake, ice cream, Mcdonalds. Go eat an entire chicken. Devour 3 plates of pasta. Savor 4 slices of pizza. Because you know you need it. But not only because you know you need it, but also because you know you want it. I don't even know how I got from the topic of friends to ED again LOL. I still have that link with ED. Maybe its because I still feel there's so much left to tell about, I feel sad that there isn't a guaranteed cure for this disorder, so much more could be done, there are so many more to help. The fact that every single disorder is unique in its own way, just makes it so much harder to prescribe a 'medication' for it. I wish doctors realise that every case is different in its own way, that the method of handling the patient differs from person to person. Well there's definitely a general treating method but when it comes right down to it, the best medicine is really yourself. How are you gonna treat your body? How do you intend to fight?
Chinese New Year is coming, and looking back at last year's affair, well THAT was a joke. I think I ate 100 mandarin oranges in that period. Not cos I liked it that much, but because it was the safest thing to eat at that point of time. Of course, my restricting ended up with me binging on peanuts, then just restricting again after, y'know, that disastrous cycle. I don't even KNOW why I didn't let myself eat other nuts?!!!! Was I crazy??? Ohwell CNY isn't even here yet and I've eaten a kg of pistachios in 3 days so I'll probably make up for last year this year ^^ Anyway this year will be different (: Already started on pineapple tarts (: Kueh Bangkit, love letters, honeycomb, all those new year biscuits. Just gonna face it when it comes (: Another habit I'm slowing gonna give up-planning ahead. Planning my meals, looking at menus, thinking of this and that, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. 2014 is gonna be different from last year. And last year was already an improvement from the year before. Just gonna keep believing that things are gonna get better and better :>
Stop getting stuck in the past. It's time to move on. (: Live without regrets. Don't make a choice you know you'll end up regretting (: And even if you do make a wrong choice, don't beat yourself up about it. There will be another chance! Gambatte :DDDD
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