Normal Eating?

I recently saw this photo that answered the question: "What is normal eating?"

It got me thinking: Will I ever be able to return to this mode of eating again? Will the way I eat ever be considered normal?

I can still remember what started my food restrictions. It was a tweet. I'll leave the poster annoynomous, but the tweet said:"No candy, no cake, no donuts, no muffins, no white bread, no chips, no fast food, no pastries, no ice cream. Do it for 21 days=results." At that point in time, I was 58kg, 168cm tall. A perfectly healthy range, but yet I was beginning to find myself purdy and definitely carrying too much meat on myself. So I decided to try this out. A thing about me is that I have pretty good discipline-once I set my mind on doing something, I will accomplish it. And so the restriction began. No rice/noodles/bread throughout my meals, relying solely on vegetables and fruit;mostly apples; and scarce amounts of meat. No beef/pork/lamb/mutton because they were considered 'fattening meats', and only lean cuts of chicken and fish. Hungry? Eat an apple. No sweets, no treats. I blocked out anything that the media defined as 'bad food', and continued to exercise vigorously. After three weeks, results began to show. I lost weight, my fat seemed to have reduced and I actually felt better about myself. But the problem came:when I was supposed to stop this 'diet', I found that I couldn't. I didn't want to. why should I? I was losing weight, I was meeting my target. Why would I want to stop? Did you know, that it takes 3 weeks to form a habit? Well this was what my body had become accustomed to, just after 3 weeks. It had become a habit, one that was bad. Consuming easily 20 apples a day, requesting not to have rice during meals, even treating cereals as a 'sin food', that was how I cut out my main sources of complex carbs, deeming the entire food group of carbohydrates as 'unhealthy', 'fattening', 'unclean'. breaded, fried, sweet, overly salty, packaged goods, frozen products and snacks soon joined my list of enemies. The only 'good' foods were vegetables and fruits. Oh, excluding bananas. I became fearful of even bananas, because they apparently had higher calories than other fruits and gave us more energy than other foods. In this case, the realization that 2 bananas had the energy to sustain me an entire workout=2 bananas are bad and high cal because I won't expend that much energy, so it will be stored as fat and I will gain weight.

Now, I see where I've gone wrong. I see my mistake. Yes, the tweet said "no white bread". It never said "no wholegrain, wholemeal or other sources of grains". It never said to cut out ANY food groups completely. It never said that I had to limit myself to a certain type of food. It NEVER said that I had to restrict myself, or deny myself of foods that I felt like having. My own personal interpretation of this innocent diet plan, led to my horrible disorder today. While I don't wish to blame social media, this is the reality of today's society. This is the proof that what is said, heard, viewed on the internet has the power to affect our minds so much. I am just one amongst the countless individuals that have become influenced by these seemingly harmless examples, meant to help us achieve our goals. And I am one amongst many to be lucky enough to receive the correct treatment, to restore my disordered mind, to heal myself.

But the answer to my original question is: no. I don't think I will ever be able to return to my past ways of eating. I can't see myself being able to scarf down 3 plates of carbonara pasta, 10 pieces of sushi, 2 slices of pizza, a soft drink and more during a buffet, as I used to be able to. I can't see myself downing 2 cups of bubble tea again(milk tea with tapioca pearls) as I used to. I can't see myself being able to eat half of my birthday cake on my celebration, because I wanted to. I don't think I'll ever be able to step into a McDonald's or KFC without thinking-shit this is all fast food and all bloody processed and disgusting'. I don't think i'll ever be able to prioritize complex carbohydrates as a more important food group as compared to fruits or vegetables. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop noticing the nutrition information on products in the supermarket.

I know I'm not the only one.

BUT. No one said I had to return back to my ways of eating in the past. No one said I had to gorge on deep fried food as part of recovery. I WILL be able to eat desserts like ice cream again, and have half a tub because I want to. I WILL be able to finish my pizza, because I want to. I WILL be able to eat fried chicken, because I wish to. I WILL listen to my cravings and eat the peanut butter pancakes that I love, because i LOVE TO.

But how will I know that I'm on the right track, that I'm moving back to normal eating?

1)Eat all food groups
NO FOOD IS BAD. This is the biggest misconception in us, I think. We have come to block out food groups that we deem are 'unhealthy' or 'unclean'. Accept that all foods, as long as eaten in moderation, are HEALTHY for us. NO FOOD GROUP SHOULD BE LEFT OUT. Yes, there are high calorie foods, there will definitely be foods that are less healthy, ones that are more. Learn to moderate. Not to restrict. Feel like having that cheesecake? Go for it! Cheese is a great source of protein and calcium, whilst being delicious and filling and satisfying. Hell, have desserts EVERYDAY if you want to. Who ever said desserts are always bad for us? As a snack everyday, it is perfectly normal and fine. Everything.In.Moderation. No one is asking you to have it 3 meals a day. Take it as you wish. Enjoy it. You love it. Have it. Embrace it. There are people in this world who couldn't taste a cheesecake even if they wanted to. So why would you stop yourself from having one? Enjoy it for their sake. Be grateful for what you can receive.

I took so long to realize this, but I managed it. Everyone can do it. Don't be afraid.

2)Identify your weaknesses
Knowing your weak spots and bad habits definitely help a lot. For example, I still have a bad habit of eating a lot of fruit instead of a proper, standardized meal. To tackle this, I now ensure that I take the FULL portion that I am supposed to eat, and finish that entire portion before allowing myself to eat any fruits. I even put away water during meals to make sure I don't fill myself up with water instead.

Another bad habit would be my ignorance to hunger pangs. They say that cravings go away after 20 minutes. Sometimes, when my stomach begins to growl for food, I am adamant to give it food as I assume its just a craving. After 20 minutes, if I am still hungry, I tend to tell myself that I'm just still craving something and drink a lot of water instead. Eventually, the hunger pangs go away although I should have fed my hunger.

This shows restriction. Restricting happens so easily for me; once I stop the hunger pangs, my appetite disappears completely. With that, it is incredibly easy to choose to skip a meal or snack. However, I now have a method to combat this. Whenever I lose the hunger, I will force myself to eat something, despite the feeling of fullness. I find that once I eat, my hunger cues will resume and I find myself hungry again-Ta Da! Eating continues and I usually end up having a huge snack.

Don't restrict yourself. Right now, I usually eat easily 100g worth of nuts a day, maybe more. I have no problem finishing a 600g box of almonds within a week. But you know what? IT'S FINE. It's alright. Worried of overeating? There's no such thing in recovery. If I am overeating, that's a problem i'll learn to curb AFTER I reach my healthy weight. Psh, make that AFTER I get my period back. I will enjoy the food I eat, even if it means I consume it in large amounts. Plus, I can control myself. I know when to stop myself. THUS I AM NOT BINGING.

Find out your weaknesses. Focus on your bad habits. Do you unconsciously pick away rice as you eat. Do you peel off parts of your meat and hide them away? FACE THOSE HABITS AND CHANGE THEM. A little action goes a long way. By pinpointing your bad habits, you are bound to head towards a better route in recovery.

3)challenge yourself

CREAMY CHEESY CHICKEN HAM PENNE. This used to be my favorite, ultimate pasta before I started restricting and dieting. I ate this dish maybe once a month? Did I become exaggeratingly fat each time i ate it? OF COURSE NOT. I haven't had this dish for more than a year. But the next time I see a picture of this dish, or am craving for it, I will allow myself to have it. I will challenge myself to eat the foods that I once loved, and learn once again that it is safe and normal to eat. I will learn to trust food again. I will learn that no food will make me dangerously fat once I eat it. Challenge yourself, because soon you will find that the challenged food becomes a normal thing that you can have and enjoy anytime; anyday.

The road to recovery is often packed with truckloads of obstacles. Jump, hurdle, crawl, whack, destroy each and every one, because YOU CAN. God doesn't give us impossible challenges. As long as you believe you can, you will be able to accomplish it. There's a reason why the mind is the most useful yet complex organ in us. It has the power to control. So make your choice- what will you allow it to control?