I didn't restrict during dinner at all, ate way more than I was comfortable with, and went for a walk after that to calm myself and digest it all. When I got home, I was greeted by the sight of containers of roasted salted cashews and roasted black beans and walnuts. My mind went crazy; I dove for them before I even had the chance to think and I cleared nearly 1/4 the box,a pear and a box of grapes before I managed to stop myself. And I still wanted MORE. Before it turned into a full blown binge, I had to stop. I was craving for salty foods as I always do, and I heard the remedy for that was to drink milk, so I had a cup of milk and have been using the computer ever since. I'm still really tempted to go and eat more now though, but I KNOW I will regret it and probably end up restricting myself tmr, and the whole cycle will repeat. So I need to stop. Although I know it's alright for me to eat, I don't want to end up binging. I want to eat at regular timings, not eat till I'm full to the point of exploding+a mind filled with restrictive thoughts. Thank God for distractions and hopefully they work. Urgh.....this is one of my weaknesses that I'm still working on and need to learn to control. Stepping stones of recovery, Y U SO TOUGH? >>>:
Anyway, ana's voice has been pretty strong today, maybe because it knows coming home means the chance to restrict+binge. I NEARLY restricted a lot today, but I've realized that whenever I see triggers, a couple of questions will come to my head and this is how I've learnt to answer and cope with them.
Scenario 1: Seeing a friend have a salad for breakfast, AGAIN. She claims she isn't on a diet. But come on, a salad for breakfast?
ED's thoughts: "Why can't I eat like that either? Why can she lose weight? Why can't I eat salads?"
TELL ED THIS: "Is she anorexic?(NO.) Is she cutting out food groups completely?(NO, she has sandwiches for lunch) Is it alright for her to lose some weight to get fitter?(YES)"
REMIND YOURSELF! "Are you still underweight?(YES.) Do you need to gain weight?(YES.) Are you healthy enough to be doing this?(NO.)"
Problem solved, breakfast meal plan followed with minimal guilt.
Scenario 2: Seeing a ton of gravy being poured on your food, unknown ingredients, unknown everything.
ED'S thoughts: "That's filled with fat, calories and just more fat. Don't eat that at all. Don't touch it. You'll grow fat. You'll gain weight."
TELL ED THIS: "Everyone else is having the food with the sauce on it. Are they going to gain weight? If they're going to gain weight just from this sauce, wouldn't pretty much the entire school be obese already?"
REMIND YOURSELF! "Some sauce isn't going to kill me. Plus, it's yummy. Everything in moderation!"
Problem solved, lunch tackled with minimal guilt and a full stomach.
Scenario 3: Your supermarket doesn't sell your usual snack/food(eg yogurt), so you have to buy a different brand which is different in calories and ingredients.
ED'S Thoughts:"That's not safe. It's higher in cals, you're gonna get fatter sooner."
TELL ED THIS:"IF EVERY SINGLE BLOODY THING IS GONNA MAKE ME FAT, THEN THE WHOLE WORLD WOULD BE INCREDIBLY FAT RIGHT NOW. Compared to others eating buckets of ice cream, this is already considered a better option!"
REMIND YOURSELF! "Isn't the point to gain weight? Higher cals=yes, larger intake, but it means you have a higher chance of gaining weight! Isn't that the point?"
Scenario 4: You have a small portion of food left on your plate.(Rice, pasta, meat, even a drink etc)
ED'S Thoughts: "Every calorie counts! Don't eat it! Leave it! You don't want to become fat, do you? You'll gain more weight if you do that!"
TELL ED THIS:"I have a meal plan to complete. Shut up. I want to feel that sense of achievement when I conquer my meal plan. I want to recover quickly. More food isn't going to kill me. I like what I'm eating, so I'm gonna finish it."
REMIND YOURSELF!"Listen to your meal plan! Otherwise, what would be the point of having one? You will be proud of yourself when you finish everything. Feeling guilty? That's ED. NOT YOU. YOU ARE PROUD OF YOURSELF AND HAVE GONE ONE STEP FURTHER. YOU HAVE KICKED ED IN THE FACE, WITH EACH COMPLETED MEAL."
There are so many other scenarios that can possibly happen in a day, ED always likes being a bitch and uses every possible occasion to try and screw us up. What are some scenarios or triggers that ED tries to lure you away from eating what you should? What do you do to cope? Share them! I know many more but it's too long a list xD
I just always tell myself: Food isn't going to make me fat. I need to recover. I need to gain weight.
3 weeks down. Weighing myself tomorrow, let's see how it goes. 1 week left.
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