When Anxiety Arouses

My mum and I recently came to an agreement that I had been doing poorly at home, in terms of eating and attitude in general. Since there's so much more variety at home, I'll usually end up choosing lower calorie options or simply substituting meals for snacks or fruits. My mum has noticed, of course and she isn't happy. So we've made a deal: She'll be choosing what I eat and the portions that I eat from now on. Since I'm only home during the weekends, she'll be responsible for my meals on these days when I'm home. It's a huge challenge, but I accepted. With her help, my variety will definitely be increased, i'll be forced to eat much larger portions than I like, and I'll have to eat foods that I don't like, too. But this will speed up my recovery process because I'll be forced to face fear foods and overcome them faster. Hence, I agreed.

Saturday Dinner was family dinner, so this is what she chose:

Top left: Chicken Dumpling Noodle soup
Top right: Fried Beansprouts in oyster sauce
Bottom left: Bok Choy in soy sauce dressing
Bottom right: Chicken Noodles drenched in soy sauce dressing

When these dishes arrived at our table, I nearly broke down in tears. How could I eat any of this? The vegetables were soaked in horrifying, fatty sauces, the portion of noodles were frighteningly overwhelming and two types of noodle dishes?! Was she crazy?! We shared the soup and vegetables, but I was required to finish the noodles in soy sauce dressing(bottom right). The most fattening dish that was available. The thoughts stampeded in my mind- "think of the amount of oil in this. Soy sauce, dark soy sauce, oyster sauce, vegetable oil, sugar, salt, vinegar, MSG, oh god, what else can they add in this? and the noodles are SOAKED in the sauce! I think I count at least 200 strands of noodles in there. That's too much. This one dish enough to feed me and my mum. And the vegetables....oh god. What is with the sauce? Look at the oil brimming on top of it all; and the fried onions covering it?! And the dumplings; filled with the most fatty parts of the chicken, and they definitely added other disgusting things in there too." I was on the brink of tears and anxiety was soaring. I picked up my chopsticks and slowly, agonizingly pulled the broth-soaked noodles into my mouth. It was a burst of saltiness and I literally shuddered in disgust. The last time I ate something like this was more than a year ago. But there was no escape. My mum sat next to me, coaxing and encouraging me all the way. She patted my back as I ate slowly, and never rushed me. Soothing words constantly flooded my ears: "You're doing well. That's another mouth. Just abit left. You can do it. You're doing great, just a little bit more." By the middle of my meal, I found that my anxiety wasn't screaming anymore. My mind wasn't reeling and I no longer felt the urge to cry. I remembered the words that my fellow IG-ers often repeated to me: That isn't going to make you fat. You used to it eat a lot, didn't you? It never made you turn into a huge whale after that, did it? It's alright. This is a normal meal for anyone. You can defeat ED.

And that's what I did. With the last mouth of noodles disappearing behind my teeth and sliding down my throat, I set down my chopsticks and stared satisfyingly at the 4 empty plates in front of us- the both of us had managed to finish everything. My mother turned to me and gave me a hug filled with warmth, and the words "Well done. You did so well. I'm so proud of you." erased the last of my worries. Yes, I(ED) felt guilty. I was really full. But hearing those words of praise, meant the world to me. My efforts were acknowledged. I had done well. I had beat ED's ass! I had made my mum and myself proud!

I will probably never touch a bowl of that again though. Other than the fact that it's still frightful, it didn't suit my tastebuds. Maybe some other flavor. But thinking back to last night, eating a meal like that doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore. Yes, it was definitely a lot. Too much, maybe. But everyone was right- those were dishes any normal person would have ordered and ate all by themselves. Yes, I had eaten like any normal person would have.

But was the challenge over yet? Far from it. Let's look at today's lunch:

Huge ass bowl of Sliced Fish Congee

Bok Choy in oyster sauce

Tutu Kueh+coconut filling(5 pieces)

Pancake with Ground Peanut Filling

1.Sliced fish congee with sesame oil and soy sauce
2.Broiled Bok Choy with oyster sauce
3.Tutu Kueh(a small cake with coconut filling)
4.Pancake & Ground Peanut filling

Gigantic bowl of porridge, what? 300 calories? Boy Choy in oyster sauce? 200 cals? Kueh, omg, at least 200cals. Pancakes? Add another 300-400. Yes, that's how my mind likes to overestimate calories. That's why I don't count cals anymore.
Can someone tell me, what is with this world and sauces? Why is it mandatory to drench everything in some sort of topping? Why can't we just enjoy the naturalness of food?

Similarly, when this was presented to me, tears nearly swarmed my eyes and my mind flew into despair. I regretted mentioning my hunger to my mother before she had gone off to buy the food. When the dishes arrived at the table, I literally just wanted to drop dead. "Look at the size of that bowl of congee. There must be at least 500 calories in there. Why did they have to go put sauce and chicken floss on top of it? Oh my god peanut pancake, seriously? I can't. It's too many fats. And why are the vegetables covered in sauce again? Screw the world. Screw it all." I was still alright with number 2, because I was craving it and requested for that. I finished that dish first.

Once again, the great mother sat next to me, this time in silence as she watched me scooping small mouths of the congee, and munching on the vegetables, desperately trying to wipe away the sauce in some sort of magic water. I watched her eating her chicken bun, and wondered, "why couldn't I just have had that? This is so unfair. All this is probably twice the number of calories of her meal." I forced down the pancake, along with the tears that were threatening to spill over from my eyes. I forced myself not to cry and eventually, I finished everything. It took me almost a good half an hour. But when I finished it all, my mum once again, patted my back and assured me. "I'm so proud of you. Well done." Guilt was still soaring then, and I wanted to shout at her:"If this isn't enough to please you, I would probably kill you. I want to puke. I want to die!" The thoughts kept rambling and repeating in my head, but I kept it in and maintained my silence.

It's been 2 hours since lunch time. I'm writing this now with a more calmed mind, no purging event, no arguments with my mother. I'm staring in the mirror, looking at my bloated tummy, recalling all the food I've just ate. I'm still trying to empty my head of hateful thoughts, of becoming a fat whale tomorrow, regretting every single thing I ate. I'm dreading dinner tonight, we're having a birthday celebration and my mum just told me the food that'll be there: Sushi, KFC, pizza, cake and curry dishes. I want to die. I don't know how it'll go tonight, but I'm not being particularly strong right now. I don't feel heroic for being so challenging. But right now I'm also thinking of reasons why I want to gain weight and that eating these types of 'less-healthy-as-compared-to-what-I-usually eat' foods, will not kill me. I won't suddenly gain 5kg overnight. I won't be judged for eating so much. And slowly but surely, I know this anxiety will dissipate. I know that I've won this battle with food and ED for now. Each meal won is a step forward. Right now I feel as though I've taken a huge leap, and fallen. But I won't go backwards. I promise not to restrict tonight(I probably won't be able to since mum chooses everything) and I promise I'll win again. Definitely.

To people who often feel pressured by the amount/type of food in front of you, during a challenge meal, fear food meal etc, is that the feelings that you feel at that moment are all ED. The anxiety, despair, wanting to give up, hopelessness, sadness, anger, its all ED. And as long as you calm yourself down, the feelings WILL calm down as well. It WILL become easier. You just need to be daring enough to take that one step. The guilt that you feel afterwards, as long as you keep reassuring yourself and don't think of purging or anything, WILL reduce as well. And sooner or later, you will realize that that meal wasn't that big of a deal. You will be so proud of yourself. You will feel a sense of achievement. Even if it is only a moment of happiness, clasp it, grab it tightly and use it to keep pushing forward. The worst case is challenging yourself and then restricting in the meal after that, cos that's just going backwards. Keep pushing through. Keep fighting. Keep going, it will get better. There's a saying: "This too shall pass." And it will. Just keep fighting. You know that you'll keep winning.

I'm gonna win ED. Make sure that you do too. None of us deserve to live with this monster. I fell down, right? Now I'm picking myself up. Sticks and stones may break my bones but I won't let ED destroy me.