Before&After

So one of my followers on IG wanted to see how I looked like at the start of recovery, and up till now. I suspect it's to have some sort of evidence, some sort of self assurance, that reaching healthy weight doesn't mean that one will become fat.

I've definitely felt that I eat much more than others, so I'm not surprised if people think I'm huge, that I'm too big to be defined as an anorexic. But you know what? I'm glad. I'd honestly, honestly rather be big in size than be known as an anorexic. I'd rather have flesh than be stick thin like a skeleton. I'll admit that I eat a fair lot, I eat a lot of higher calorie foods, but I really don't think about that. Like, what are calories man... People will judge, people will doubt. I'm just going to eat whatever the hell I want and be happy. I've changed a lot since December, both physically and mentally. And truthfully, I'm proud to admit that I prefer myself now over what I used to be/what I used to look like.

Pillars Of Support

Hello, it's been some time. Been pretty busy with my exams, they're such a chore ): and yet, constantly having tests help to distract me; they take me out from all the obsessive food worries, the expectations, the monsters, the fakers, the real world.

insecurities

Officially August. 8 months into 2013. 9 months since I was diagnosed. Honestly, I didn't expect it to take this long, really. When I officially decided to recover, I just thought: Hey, I'm just gonna eat everything I like, I'll eat all the food I love and just gain weight really fast and get diagnosed quick!

If only I knew.

Breadelicious Part 3: Mama's Patisserie

This is place is probably my favourite place ever. Amazing bread, amazing people, amazing ambience. I love buying bread and heading out to the verandah, sitting there for hours munching on my bread and doing homework(anti-climax much) and this place just satisfies any bread cravings I have.

I'm here to boast about bread. AHAHA.

Breadelicious Part 2: Barcook Bakery

Hello. I am back, with more bread. NYAHAHAHA. I'm a happy girl today. Well the day didn't start out that well, but it became really good. Ever heard the saying "When you're upset, food is your best friend"? Totally applicable to me today. Food can be my best friend forever.

Eat-Good-Food-And-Gain Checklist: Ramen Keisuke Tonkotsu King Four Seasons

Woah at that long title. Okay yeah I have no creativity, but that's what I named the checklist that I have with the list of all the restaurants I want to visit. I want more places, but its kinda hard to find anymore. Oh well, shall just complete this list first! 

Anyway, I had ramen for lunch on Saturday! This is the sibling restaurant of my current favorite ramen place, Ramen Keisuke Tori King @ 100AM. This outlet specializes in their pork broth, which is boiled for a gruelling 8 hours and filled with wholesome goodness! Its so near my house, so I've been aching to try it. Finally my mum told me she didn't mind eating ramen, so we rushed here for lunch!

Getting back my social life: Dessert/Cafe-hopping along Upper Thomson

Another thing that ED took away from me was my social life. As ED inched its way into my life, along with it came excuses, lies and stories. When my friends or family asked me to join them for a meal, my mind would rush into panic mode and I would quickly come up with some excuse to avoid a high calorie, fat-filled, unhealthy dinner. Even if I did go out with them, I would purposely choose to eat the healthiest choice possible, sometimes even making up excuses like "I'm too full" or "I already ate" to skip meals. Gosh, that was horrible. I remember. Even though I was hungry, watching my friends munch on their popcorn happily during meals terrified me. And the hearty consolation I received from ED was "Great job for skipping the meal! Now you won't be as fat/unhealthy as them!' And I would grudgingly accept it, deciding it was worth it to be skinny rather than fat. But the consequences of all this lying, cheating? I lost friends. Not all my friends left, but I could tell the difference. When they were going out, they wouldn't ask me along. They would avoid asking me out even if it was just to watch a movie. And meals with my family were always terrible, filled with unhappiness and guilty thoughts. My face would always be painted black, with wild thoughts of calories, fats, carbohydrates, running through my mind. Dinners would be quiet affairs, with my family sharing worried looks at me while I poked at my food, formulating plans of how to possibly skip my next meal or restrict more. 

What an idiot I was.