Body Over Mind

Dana: The 8 Year Old Anorexic

Has anyone seen this video? If you haven't, please do. The link is here:Dana: The 8-Year Old Anorexic

Open up your eyes to today's world. Children of increasingly younger ages, even some at 6, are being diagnosed and sent inpatient for Anorexia or some other eating disorder. I find this incredibly sad, but true. And once again I ask myself: Why must we become so influenced by everything we see/hear? Why must we endanger ourselves and allow this demon to enter us, possess us and screw us up completely? One point that was strongly emphasised in this video was that "Anyone can be eating normally, eating what they have to and seem fine. But just because they are eating, does not mean that voice isn't in their head anymore. It does not mean they have recovered mentally." In the end, having an eating disorder does not only encompass restricting whatever you eat or binging every day. It does not only involve food. At the end of the day, it's about whether that voice still has a place in your mind, whether she still causes you to doubt, think twice, argue with yourself. The definition of recovered is still far from my reach........

Book hooked

Anorexia: a stranger in the family

I love reading. But finally, I've decided to come out of my less mature, teenage world and explore boundaries past vampire romance, high school teenage life and fiction. Having been so down in the dumps the entire week, I decided to look for some motivation and inspiration to help me get back on track. This section was a stranger to me, and browsing through books with titles like "eating disorders", "how to cope with anorexia" made me feel embarrassed and when people walked past, I would hurriedly turn away. There was even a book called "Eating Disorders for Dummies", man I should have tried reading that one :3

Anyway, this book caught my attention. Its basically the life story of a girl, Katie, about how her New Year's Resolution to lose weight turned into anorexia, and how she fought and recovered. I finished the book in a day and let me just say: I am so inspired. It's amazing how much I could relate to many of the things she wrote- Her feelings, what she did, the causes, the effects. While she definitely suffered worse from ana's restraints than I have and than I ever will, it opened my eyes to reality.

Recipe For Disaster

Fore-warning: this is a triggering post. Please refrain from reading if you are unable to handle it.

FREED FROM MY CAGE

4PM, Singapore General Hospital, Bowyer's Block. My feet trudge reluctantly in the direction of the clinic, where my supposed doom awaits. After 4 weeks of trying my hardest, what would the scale show today? Would my efforts pay off? Would I finally be freed from my prison? I'm sure most patients would agree with me that we all DREAD weigh-ins. Having to face the doctor, having to face a disappointing number on the scale; having to have a new rule imposed on you. Many of my past appointments with the doctor had ended in tears, frustration, anger, sadness. Would this be a repeat of those times? Tick, tick, tick. I collect my queue number and soon, my number is sounded. My heart pumps ten times faster than before, nervousness fill my heart and fear, terror strike me. My mum ushers me into the room, where the doctor sits, hands clasped together. "Well, let's see your weight." My heart palpitations jump, my mind is in a frenzy. I groan and peel of my shoes. "Please, please, please" I beg, say my final prayers and step on the scale. I see the numbers jumping, changing, dropping, increasing, and finally, it settles on the number it is satisfied with.

When Anxiety Arouses

My mum and I recently came to an agreement that I had been doing poorly at home, in terms of eating and attitude in general. Since there's so much more variety at home, I'll usually end up choosing lower calorie options or simply substituting meals for snacks or fruits. My mum has noticed, of course and she isn't happy. So we've made a deal: She'll be choosing what I eat and the portions that I eat from now on. Since I'm only home during the weekends, she'll be responsible for my meals on these days when I'm home. It's a huge challenge, but I accepted. With her help, my variety will definitely be increased, i'll be forced to eat much larger portions than I like, and I'll have to eat foods that I don't like, too. But this will speed up my recovery process because I'll be forced to face fear foods and overcome them faster. Hence, I agreed.

To post, or not to post, that is the question.

Recently I realized that a few people from my school liked my photos on instagram. Since our meals are all served in set meals(thus the same box set looking meals each time), I think they know its from my school. I'm not sure if they know who owns the account though, but that thought troubles me a lot. Do they know its me? Do my classmates know that I have an ED even without me telling them? Do they know im anorexic? How do they think of me now? Will they judge me? Am I attention seeking? I'm actually most worried that my batchmates/classmates know who I am. I don't mind if they read my blog and find out; since these are my honest thoughts. But is posting my meals 'lame', 'attention seeking', 'retarded'? I don't know. To them I think it is.

So now I'm considering stopping posting all my school food meals completely. To prevent circulation or anything. Maybe just post my home food. I don't know what to do. I'm in a dilemma. Sometimes, posting my thoughts with my photos is just a quick option to vent when I don't have time to blog or tell anyone my troubles. But as a person, as my character is, I guess I'm just really worried about how people view me. How people judge me. How I look in other's eyes. I don't want to be given 'special treatment' or treated differently. I just want to be normal. Even things like this affect me. I guess I'll go through with this decision. And hopefully I'll manage to be strong with solely my blog😊

Here's to the last burst. 3 weeks down. 1.3kg. 1 week to go. Pretty much gonna force myself to eat at every opportunity and just pray a miracle happens, to gain 1kg.

Questions and Answers

It's always like this. This is why I don't like being at home. After being deprived of good, proper food for 5 whole days(because school food is horrible x gazillion zeroes) every week, coming home to a huge spread of amazing home-cooked food, 4-5 whole boxes filled to the brim with my favourite nuts and beans, and a fridge full of fruits, I'm just overwhelmed and ALWAYS have the urge to restrict my usual meals and binge on them instead.

I didn't restrict during dinner at all, ate way more than I was comfortable with, and went for a walk after that to calm myself and digest it all. When I got home, I was greeted by the sight of containers of roasted salted cashews and roasted black beans and walnuts. My mind went crazy; I dove for them before I even had the chance to think and I cleared nearly 1/4 the box,a pear and a box of grapes before I managed to stop myself. And I still wanted MORE. Before it turned into a full blown binge, I had to stop. I was craving for salty foods as I always do, and I heard the remedy for that was to drink milk, so I had a cup of milk and have been using the computer ever since. I'm still really tempted to go and eat more now though, but I KNOW I will regret it and probably end up restricting myself tmr, and the whole cycle will repeat. So I need to stop. Although I know it's alright for me to eat, I don't want to end up binging. I want to eat at regular timings, not eat till I'm full to the point of exploding+a mind filled with restrictive thoughts. Thank God for distractions and hopefully they work. Urgh.....this is one of my weaknesses that I'm still working on and need to learn to control. Stepping stones of recovery, Y U SO TOUGH? >>>:

Normal Eating?

I recently saw this photo that answered the question: "What is normal eating?"

It got me thinking: Will I ever be able to return to this mode of eating again? Will the way I eat ever be considered normal?

I can still remember what started my food restrictions. It was a tweet. I'll leave the poster annoynomous, but the tweet said:"No candy, no cake, no donuts, no muffins, no white bread, no chips, no fast food, no pastries, no ice cream. Do it for 21 days=results." At that point in time, I was 58kg, 168cm tall. A perfectly healthy range, but yet I was beginning to find myself purdy and definitely carrying too much meat on myself. So I decided to try this out. A thing about me is that I have pretty good discipline-once I set my mind on doing something, I will accomplish it. And so the restriction began. No rice/noodles/bread throughout my meals, relying solely on vegetables and fruit;mostly apples; and scarce amounts of meat. No beef/pork/lamb/mutton because they were considered 'fattening meats', and only lean cuts of chicken and fish. Hungry? Eat an apple. No sweets, no treats. I blocked out anything that the media defined as 'bad food', and continued to exercise vigorously. After three weeks, results began to show. I lost weight, my fat seemed to have reduced and I actually felt better about myself. But the problem came:when I was supposed to stop this 'diet', I found that I couldn't. I didn't want to. why should I? I was losing weight, I was meeting my target. Why would I want to stop? Did you know, that it takes 3 weeks to form a habit? Well this was what my body had become accustomed to, just after 3 weeks. It had become a habit, one that was bad. Consuming easily 20 apples a day, requesting not to have rice during meals, even treating cereals as a 'sin food', that was how I cut out my main sources of complex carbs, deeming the entire food group of carbohydrates as 'unhealthy', 'fattening', 'unclean'. breaded, fried, sweet, overly salty, packaged goods, frozen products and snacks soon joined my list of enemies. The only 'good' foods were vegetables and fruits. Oh, excluding bananas. I became fearful of even bananas, because they apparently had higher calories than other fruits and gave us more energy than other foods. In this case, the realization that 2 bananas had the energy to sustain me an entire workout=2 bananas are bad and high cal because I won't expend that much energy, so it will be stored as fat and I will gain weight.

Now, I see where I've gone wrong. I see my mistake. Yes, the tweet said "no white bread". It never said "no wholegrain, wholemeal or other sources of grains". It never said to cut out ANY food groups completely. It never said that I had to limit myself to a certain type of food. It NEVER said that I had to restrict myself, or deny myself of foods that I felt like having. My own personal interpretation of this innocent diet plan, led to my horrible disorder today. While I don't wish to blame social media, this is the reality of today's society. This is the proof that what is said, heard, viewed on the internet has the power to affect our minds so much. I am just one amongst the countless individuals that have become influenced by these seemingly harmless examples, meant to help us achieve our goals. And I am one amongst many to be lucky enough to receive the correct treatment, to restore my disordered mind, to heal myself.

But the answer to my original question is: no. I don't think I will ever be able to return to my past ways of eating. I can't see myself being able to scarf down 3 plates of carbonara pasta, 10 pieces of sushi, 2 slices of pizza, a soft drink and more during a buffet, as I used to be able to. I can't see myself downing 2 cups of bubble tea again(milk tea with tapioca pearls) as I used to. I can't see myself being able to eat half of my birthday cake on my celebration, because I wanted to. I don't think I'll ever be able to step into a McDonald's or KFC without thinking-shit this is all fast food and all bloody processed and disgusting'. I don't think i'll ever be able to prioritize complex carbohydrates as a more important food group as compared to fruits or vegetables. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop noticing the nutrition information on products in the supermarket.

I know I'm not the only one.

BUT. No one said I had to return back to my ways of eating in the past. No one said I had to gorge on deep fried food as part of recovery. I WILL be able to eat desserts like ice cream again, and have half a tub because I want to. I WILL be able to finish my pizza, because I want to. I WILL be able to eat fried chicken, because I wish to. I WILL listen to my cravings and eat the peanut butter pancakes that I love, because i LOVE TO.

But how will I know that I'm on the right track, that I'm moving back to normal eating?

1)Eat all food groups
NO FOOD IS BAD. This is the biggest misconception in us, I think. We have come to block out food groups that we deem are 'unhealthy' or 'unclean'. Accept that all foods, as long as eaten in moderation, are HEALTHY for us. NO FOOD GROUP SHOULD BE LEFT OUT. Yes, there are high calorie foods, there will definitely be foods that are less healthy, ones that are more. Learn to moderate. Not to restrict. Feel like having that cheesecake? Go for it! Cheese is a great source of protein and calcium, whilst being delicious and filling and satisfying. Hell, have desserts EVERYDAY if you want to. Who ever said desserts are always bad for us? As a snack everyday, it is perfectly normal and fine. Everything.In.Moderation. No one is asking you to have it 3 meals a day. Take it as you wish. Enjoy it. You love it. Have it. Embrace it. There are people in this world who couldn't taste a cheesecake even if they wanted to. So why would you stop yourself from having one? Enjoy it for their sake. Be grateful for what you can receive.

I took so long to realize this, but I managed it. Everyone can do it. Don't be afraid.

2)Identify your weaknesses
Knowing your weak spots and bad habits definitely help a lot. For example, I still have a bad habit of eating a lot of fruit instead of a proper, standardized meal. To tackle this, I now ensure that I take the FULL portion that I am supposed to eat, and finish that entire portion before allowing myself to eat any fruits. I even put away water during meals to make sure I don't fill myself up with water instead.

Another bad habit would be my ignorance to hunger pangs. They say that cravings go away after 20 minutes. Sometimes, when my stomach begins to growl for food, I am adamant to give it food as I assume its just a craving. After 20 minutes, if I am still hungry, I tend to tell myself that I'm just still craving something and drink a lot of water instead. Eventually, the hunger pangs go away although I should have fed my hunger.

This shows restriction. Restricting happens so easily for me; once I stop the hunger pangs, my appetite disappears completely. With that, it is incredibly easy to choose to skip a meal or snack. However, I now have a method to combat this. Whenever I lose the hunger, I will force myself to eat something, despite the feeling of fullness. I find that once I eat, my hunger cues will resume and I find myself hungry again-Ta Da! Eating continues and I usually end up having a huge snack.

Don't restrict yourself. Right now, I usually eat easily 100g worth of nuts a day, maybe more. I have no problem finishing a 600g box of almonds within a week. But you know what? IT'S FINE. It's alright. Worried of overeating? There's no such thing in recovery. If I am overeating, that's a problem i'll learn to curb AFTER I reach my healthy weight. Psh, make that AFTER I get my period back. I will enjoy the food I eat, even if it means I consume it in large amounts. Plus, I can control myself. I know when to stop myself. THUS I AM NOT BINGING.

Find out your weaknesses. Focus on your bad habits. Do you unconsciously pick away rice as you eat. Do you peel off parts of your meat and hide them away? FACE THOSE HABITS AND CHANGE THEM. A little action goes a long way. By pinpointing your bad habits, you are bound to head towards a better route in recovery.

3)challenge yourself

CREAMY CHEESY CHICKEN HAM PENNE. This used to be my favorite, ultimate pasta before I started restricting and dieting. I ate this dish maybe once a month? Did I become exaggeratingly fat each time i ate it? OF COURSE NOT. I haven't had this dish for more than a year. But the next time I see a picture of this dish, or am craving for it, I will allow myself to have it. I will challenge myself to eat the foods that I once loved, and learn once again that it is safe and normal to eat. I will learn to trust food again. I will learn that no food will make me dangerously fat once I eat it. Challenge yourself, because soon you will find that the challenged food becomes a normal thing that you can have and enjoy anytime; anyday.

The road to recovery is often packed with truckloads of obstacles. Jump, hurdle, crawl, whack, destroy each and every one, because YOU CAN. God doesn't give us impossible challenges. As long as you believe you can, you will be able to accomplish it. There's a reason why the mind is the most useful yet complex organ in us. It has the power to control. So make your choice- what will you allow it to control?

Up and Down the Merry-Go-Round

Do you have a bad habit of frequently weighing yourself? And is this what you commonly see?

7am: 45.7kg
9am: 46kg
3pm: 46.6kg
4pm: 46.8kg
8pm: 48.8kg

Each time you see the weight change, does it scare you? Especially at night, when the weight seems to be an entire 2kg increase as compared to the morning? Is that when you convince yourself that you've eaten too much that day, and you are going to become a huge whale? For people trying to lose weight, does this deter you from your weight loss goals, and resign yourself to the fact that your diet isn't working?

FACT:
OUR WEIGHT FLUCTUATES THROUGHOUT THE DAY.

Control that urge!

I'm sure many people, not only people recovering from ED like me, aren't allowed to exercise. From injuries, fatigue,restriction, or purely just not wanting to exercise, the reasons why anyone won't exercise are aplenty. Thus, I'm sure this post will be relatable to quite a few out there.

As an athlete(yes, a bowler is considered one too) in a sports school, our daily timetable involves at least 2 training sessions a day, sometimes even more. For the past 3 years, i've been committed to a routine of a morning workout and an afternoon training session.It has become a habit instilled deeply into my body system.

"You'll have to stop all training and physical activity until you reach your minimal healthy weight."

This sentence caused my world to literally crumble to pieces before my eyes, the amount of disbelief, anguish and resentment I felt surpassed any physical form(eg Mt.Everest). It was as though a part of me was being torn away.